I got the "all clear"!

The nurse just called from my RE's office. She said my hormones were fine (estrogen 39 and FSH 4.9 on day 2) so I'm ready to start the letrozole on Saturday. I'll take it five days (Saturday the 1st through Wednesday the 5th) and then I go in for day 12 blood work and ultrasound, which is a Sunday and they gave me an 8:30 appointment! It did not hit me until I hung up how EARLY that is for me. I am a big night owl. Maybe I'll call next week and see if they have anything later but if not, I'll suck it up and go.

I'm kind of in shock. I woke up this morning expecting them to call and say there was some issue and I could not start the Femara. When did I become so negative and hopeless?

Femara, not Clomid!

So I had my RE consult today with one of the other doctors at the practice (Dr. Cool since Dr. Wonderful couldn't be there). He was very nice and I felt very comfortable with him. He seemed very cool, like he's such a cool guy. Most of my questions he answered while he was talking which is a good sign to me. I hate when the doctor hardly says anything and the only way I can get information is to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, the patient should always ask questions but it's nice when the doctor gives you some basic information first. The one question I forgot to ask is he knew why my left ovary area was hurting so bad. It started shortly after I got my period yesterday and hasn't let up.

Dr. Cool told me that I could take Clomid or Femara and went over the pros and cons to each. Basically the only con I remember for Femara is that I had to sign a form saying I agreed to take it and he said mostly that was due to a (flawed) study that had been done on Femara saying it caused birth defects. He said that Clomid can thin the uterine lining and make cervical mucus thicker, which I knew. He really left it up to me. I decided to go with Femara and my hubby feels I made the right choice. Then the doctor says to me he wants to do some bloodwork and an ultrasound. I was mortified since I had my period and it was a vaginal ultrasound but I figured I need to get used to this! So I had the ultrasound and here my right ovary looks good but my left ovary has a cyst. So maybe that is the cause of my pain. He explained that this ultrasound is a baseline ultrasound so when I come back closer to ovulation he'll know what was already there (like the cyst on my left ovary).

Since my RE's office charges the same amount for a monitored cycle with IUI as they do for a monitored cycle without IUI, we will probably move forward with the IUI as well. He said in almost all cases they do a trigger shot too so I have that to look forward to. He told me that each Femara/IUI cycle has a 15% success rate. That doesn't sound too promising but I'm just going to try to stay even-keeled - hopeful but not too hopeful.

Right now I'm waiting for the call back from them tomorrow regarding my bloodwork results. If everything is fine, I can start the Femara on day 4 (Sunday, 1/1/11 - a great day for a new start!) and take it through day 8. And then the rest I'll figure out as we go.

Sick hubby.

I'm off to the doctor in 45 minutes! Eek!!

And I just had to share this. You know how some men are so dramatic when they're sick? Well, this morning my hubby woke up with vomiting and diarrhea and when I left for work he told me if he doesn't pull through this, he wants me to have all of his things. I almost laughed out loud and then I said, "Well, thanks, but I'm sure you'll be fine." How hilarious is that???

Meanwhile I had the same sickness three days ago, woke up at 4:15 a.m. with it, threw up, and came back to bed sweaty and shivering. I said, "Honey, I threw up," and he rolled over and away from me. He had no sympathy for me and now he wants me to act like he's at death's door. SO FREAKIN' FUNNY!

Cycle day 1!

Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting a new cycle to begin until this weekend at the earliest (Happy New Year to me, right?). Well, Aunt Flo has decided to come visit today! I'm not complaining. I've never been so excited to see her. There is a little wrinkle in the plan though in that I don't see the doctor until the 4th which will be day 7 so I need to call and figure out what to do next because if I'm starting Clomid I'll need to start Saturday or Sunday (day 4 or 5). Oh, my! I'll update later with what I find out when I call (on my lunch break).

About 1 hour & 45 minutes later: Well, it turns out my doctor is on vacation right now and won't be back til the 3rd. So they're going to have me come in tomorrow to see another doctor. I'm very nervous as I've grown comfortable with my usual doctor and don't want to switch but I do not want to sit this cycle so I'll deal with it. I'm sure the other doctor is fine. I am just resistant to change at times. So in 24 hours I'll be at my appointment. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Update

I'm now on day 62 of this horrible seemingly never-ending cycle! I finished up my Provera on Christmas night but I think it was probably after midnight so it was technically the 26th and I've calculated ahead that I should be getting my period by January 9th at the latest. They said 1-2 weeks. Today my doctor's office also called to say that my doctor would like me to come in for a consult regarding Clomid or Femara. So he must remember that he told me a few months ago that Femara was an option. So now I'm not sure which I'm doing but I did call back while we were at a rest area today (we were taking my niece & nephew home and hubby ran in to get me a coffee while I stayed in the car since my niece was sleeping) and I made an appointment for January 4. Since the doctor's office is not even a mile from our house and hubby is still not working, I asked him to meet me there. I'll be coming from work (will have to take an hour or so off - or take an early lunch or whatever). I'm so excited and nervous we're moving forward with the next step! Hubby is excited and nervous too but I think he is less excited and more nervous. I think that is par for the course and am moving past feeling "hurt" by it. We've had lots of talks about it and he knows if he's not ready he can say so and he's no longer saying, "Let's wait, I'm not ready." I think he finally gets that maybe there never is a perfect time to have a baby or that maybe lots of other people experience nervousness as well. This is a huge step; it's only natural.

While our niece and nephew were here, my hubby told me that our niece needed to stop being so cute because she was making him really hope for a daughter someday. He usually doesn't have a preference. I always wanted a girl (I think because the boys I used to baby-sit were so disobedient and wild) and then once I had nephews I fell in love with boys too. I still have a soft spot for girls though. I really don't have much of a preference but I think I 51% want a girl, 49% want a boy. So basically I'll be happy with either (just want to get pregnant!!) and he has never had much of a preference but now seems to be leaning towards wanting a girl. Ha ha - we both know we have absolutely no control over that! I think our niece has just endeared herself to my husband though because she adores him - follows him around, climbs on his lap, peppers him with questions, on and on. He and I actually started dating the weekend after she was born so he's known her since she was very very young and was part of our family as long as she can remember.

We had a great time with both kids here. I won't lie, it was stressful at times. It's hard to clean up after them, make sure they're OK, watch them, discipline them, and still get everything else done but it was fun and I know motherhood will be so worth it! I feel sad now that they're gone.

Dreaming of the Future

I don't know why I let myself go there but every once in awhile I'll log onto Babies R Us or the Land of Nod web site and start dreaming about what nursery set I'd get if I were pregnant. Lately I'm really loving this one for a girl. And for a boy I kind of like this one but I don't love it. I hope by the time I actually get pregnant and am ready for this stuff, they'll have a design I love - or maybe this one will have grown on me. This one is also kind of cute. To make matters worse, I often think it might be nice to be surprised by the gender which would mean I'd have to go with a neutral set. However, they usually wind up looking more boyish to me though.

I always remember my mom saying how much easier it was to find cute girl stuff than cute boy stuff and I know what she means. I don't mean (and she did not mean) that boys are not as cute as girls but it seems like there is so much more variety for girls with clothing and decor than there is for boys. I will be happy to have either. I used to always prefer girls but my nephews have made me adore boys as well. They are ages 8 and 2. The 8-year-old is actually here snug as a bug in my house right now with his 6-year-old sister. He is a great kid and I love him. He is the one who made me an aunt. :) And his little 2-year-old brother I could just hug and squeeze all day. He is so stinking adorable with his floppy blond hair and blue eyes. I thank God for these kids because even though I don't have any of my own I get to have children in my life and they're awesome.

And [drumroll please] tonight is my last Provera pill so I should be expecting my period in a week or two and can be taking Clomid sometime in January. I am so excited - but also trying not to get my hopes up too much that I'll even ovulate!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to anyone who might be reading this! I love Christmas. I am like a little kid at this time of year, full of excitement. I'm sitting here in my living room, glancing at our gorgeous tree, the most beautiful tree I've ever had. We drove about 20-30 minutes up the road, way out into the country, and got it from a tree farm. It was a freezing cold day so I did not take the time to look at too many trees. We saw one we liked and I said, "Let's get it." It was way more money than I'd ever imagined spending on a tree but I'm so glad we did it. I've gotten three weeks of enjoyment out of it already and we hope to keep it up another week or two.

We spent last night with my husband's family, the Italian side, and went to his aunt's for the traditional "seven fishes" Christmas Eve dinner. There may have been more than seven "fishes." There was shrimp cocktail, breaded shrimp, calamari, crab cakes, baccala, and I cannot remember what else. Usually there are also flounder and lobster but his aunt forgot to take the flounder out of the freezer and she did not buy lobster this year. In addition to all the seafood, there was salad, potato salad, mozzarella, another kind of cheese, chicken cutlet (for my cousins who don't like seafood), macaroni and cheese (again, for the little cousins who don't like seafood), and I can't remember what else, but I can't forget the homemade wine (hubby had several glasses of that!). Then for dessert, there are Italian cookies, panettone, panforte, espresso, (American) coffee, and more alcohol, grappa, limoncello, sambuca, etc. We had a great time. I love my husband's extended family. His father passed away 14, almost 15, years ago, and these are his relatives. My husband's mother and brother did not come to Christmas Eve.

Today we are headed to my parents' house where we'll get to be with most of my siblings and my adorable nephews and niece. We are bringing my 8-year-old nephew and 6-year-old niece back to our house at the end of the day and they'll be staying overnight with us for two nights. I'm so excited. I love these kids. We might get snow tonight and tomorrow so if so we'll just hang out and watch movies but if not, we have a fun-filled day planned for tomorrow. So we're just playing it by ear.

I'm so glad that I'm able to stay excited and happy during this time even when my heart is aching for a baby. I truly hope this is my last Christmas where I'm not a mom or a mom-to-be. I really hope the treatments work for us next year. It's going to be so difficult with BOTH of our best friends having babies next year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

A failure & a plan.

You know that exam I was talking about last week? Well, I did not pass! I am not shocked - but it still hurt. I was always the girl who passed everything. Oh, well, combine stress and uninteresting material and the world's worst procrastinator (me) and that was the result!

My husband and I talked before bed last night and we're going to move ahead with a "trial run" of Clomid (and probably Pre-seed and Robitussin as well) as soon as my period shows up and I can get into the doctor. I woke up excited after my awful evening last night and ready for the next step. I say a trial run because I do not plan to do Clomid February through April even if I'm not successful in January. I will resume in May if need be. (And yes, I'm being realistic and do not have any high expectations that I'll get my BFP on the first round. I'm curious to see if I ovulate though and if I got a BFP, I'd be so excited.)

So that's all for now. I must get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm very tired. Later, friends.

Bombarded with new baby news & pregnancy news!

The Provera is going well so far. The first night I swear it made me feel really hot, like hot flashes. But that may have been a coincidence. Every night since then has been fine. I take it right before bed. I took it five nights so far. Tonight will be the sixth and Christmas Day will be my last.

My sister had three friends, yes, three friends, who have babies three days in a row, the 16th to the 18th. Wow. My best friend is pregnant, my other good friend was pregnant but miscarried last month, and now my husband's best friend's wife is pregnant. She starts her second trimester this week and they just called tonight to tell us. I'm very excited for them...and to be honest a little sad for me. They were trying for awhile and had even done fertility treatments (IUI and IVF) all to no avail. This was a surprise BFP for them. It gives me hope but always leaves me feeling left behind and left out. Poor hubby says to me after he hangs up with his friend, "Are you happy for them or are you going to cry?" Through tears I say, "I'm happy for them." Wow, what mixed emotions.

And I promise the above statements have nothing to do with what I'm going to say next. I've been thinking it for most of last week and just haven't blogged about it yet. But once AF starts after this Provera regimen I've been really thinking about giving Clomid (yes, big bad Clomid I've been so afraid to try) a "trial run." I know, I have all my good reasons for waiting til May but I guess I just want to do something right now. My plan for the moment is to do just one month and if not pregnant, I'll wait til May to resume. I don't think this plan makes any sense. And I'm not sure how easy it'll be to take Clomid one month and then just go back to nothing for a few. Am I crazy? Do you girls think I should start the Clomid in January (or whenever a new cycle begins for me)?

Thanks for your opinions!

Provera

So I went in for my bloodwork today and they called to say my hCG was 0 (no kidding) and my estrogen was 62.7 (no clue what the means). They did not say progesterone. So they are calling in a prescription for Provera which I can start and they said I can expect my period in 1-2 weeks. I'm so dreading taking this. But what other choice do I have?

I also took my exam today and it was horrible. I was not at all prepared. It could take up to a month to get my grade but in the past I've gotten my grades in as little as 2-3 days so it should be sooner than a month.

Bloodwork & maybe Provera, exams and regrets.

I took off from work today to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow for work. I also have off tomorrow, but luckily I don't have to count that as a vacation day as the company gives us the entire day off to take the test, which could take up to three hours. I am working on a designation and there are eight exams total. If I pass tomorrow I'll be halfway done. I'm not feeling very confident as I was a horrible procrastinator and although I allotted myself three months to study I really didn't study much until the past week. I'm feeling full of regret about that now.

While I was sitting on the couch trying to study this morning, I decided to call my RE/doctor's office. Since I started charting my cycles have been 36-42 days and this one is now on day 47 and I never even ovulated and I feel no cramps or any other signs my period is on its way. So I called there and told the receptionist and a nurse called me back within the hour and asked me to come in for bloodwork so they could make sure I wasn't pregnant (ha ha, what a waste of time, but I know they have to do that) and see where I am in my cycle. So I'm going to go over there in the morning, get the bloodwork, come home and review my books a bit more, and then head over to my test which is scheduled for 12:30. This is probably the worst idea I had all year. Am I really going to be able to concentrate on my exam when I'm going to be thinking about having to take Provera? They did not say for sure what they'd do for me but I am guessing that is what it will be. I've never had to take this before and I was really going to wait until 60 days but I'm so impulsive I just decided to do something about it today while I was off. I think part of my reason for calling today is that I hope I can induce AF and get it over with before Christmas, at least the beginning, yucky, crampy part. My nephew (age 8) and my niece (age 6) are coming to stay with us from Christmas night until the Monday or Tuesday after. (My sister and her family live about two hours away so I don't get too many opportunities to have my niece and nephew over. I am lucky I get to see them every 6 weeks or so but it's usually at her house and I have only had them overnight once before.) I want to be able to feel good while they're here so we can have a great time and have this all behind me. Although as I'm writing this I'm realizing I have no clue how long it takes to get AF once it's induced. I'll have to make sure I'm not actually scheduling AF to come on Christmas or while the kids are here!

Also each day I let this go is one more day I don't have a chance to start a new cycle. I really have almost completely given up on the thought of conception happening in my screwed up body without treatment. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It just means I've stopped obsessing (at least for the meantime) and I can wait til May and Clomid or Femara and possible IUI time to start obsessing again. And if I somehow get "knocked up" in the meanwhile, then that's great. It's funny now because my husband is getting more concerned as I get less obsessed. He talks about it a lot and today asked me if I could ask the doctor what my chances were on Clomid alone (he really doesn't want to do the IUI!) and then tonight I caught him online looking up Clomid. It was too funny. I mean, you have to understand that my husband does not have a job right now and is petrified of the responsibility of having to support a child and for the longest time I thought he was going along with this just for me. But now I think he's getting anxious and eager and excited too.

While I was sitting here on the couch today, my mind also started wandering back to this past May when I was originally going to start fertility treatment before I decided to give naturopathy and charting a chance first. I did feel sad thinking that perhaps I could be pregnant right now and looking forward to next year being the year we become parents, had I stayed with Plan A. But I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that there was a reason the thought came into my head to wait. That is not like me. I'm not a patient person. So I just have to trust that waiting was the right thing and came from somewhere outside myself. I know our second year of marriage was way better than the first and the third is now going better than the second (we're only two months in but still...). So maybe it was a chance to strengthen our bond. I also think how if I were pregnant in October we wouldn't have been able to enjoy Walt Disney World in October or how my husband maybe wasn't quite ready yet in May and he seems much more ready now. Whatever the reason I just have to trust that there was a reason and it will all work out.

All right, I must go back to hit the books again. I'm the world's worst procrastinator.

I think I'm going to be bald soon.

My office had its holiday party tonight and I decided to straighten my hair for the occasion. Generally my hair has a good bit of natural curl to it and I just wear it curly. It's easier and it helps make it look thicker. But every once in awhile I want it to be straight so today I used a blow dryer to make it straight and then I used the flat iron on it and I was shocked it actually stayed straight all day. But my heart is breaking because I swear I can see bald spots on my scalp. My hair has been falling out really badly lately. I was using Rogaine but decided to give that up because of TTC but I'm getting desperate. I highly doubt it's safe to use while TTC. I used to have pretty good luck with a line of hair care products called Nioxin but lately that doesn't even seem to be helping. I'm becoming distraught. When I was a young girl and teenager I never, ever thought I'd have a problem with thinning hair on the top of my scalp. I had such thick (long) hair it would actually give me headaches. Now I'm to the point where I can see bald spots. It makes me so sad. I did ask my doc what I could do and all he could suggest was find a different way to comb my hair! I need some better answers than that so I'm going to do some research. I keep trying to console myself and think I can wear a wig if it gets too bad but that's really not much consolation!

In other news I think part of me has given up on TTC without fertility drugs. I've stopped taking almost all my supplements, stopped checking secondary fertility signs (CM & CP), stopped POAS (OPKs), etc. I thought I'd keep temping but I haven't even taken my temp the past few days. I guess I don't see the point as I'm on day 45 or whatever of this cycle and I know I'm not going to ovulate now. I'm to the point where I need to call my doctor and get Provera or whatever he recommends to bring this cycle to an end. I'm debating whether to call Monday or wait til after Christmas. I know I don't want it to go much more than 60 days. I just don't really have time right now to worry about that. I'm taking an exam on Tuesday and need to really study tomorrow and Monday and concentrate on that. It's always something!

So as far as my baby dreams, I have not given up on being a mom. I know compared to others I haven't been trying that long but it's really frustrating to chart seven months and only ovulate twice (bad ovulations at that on day 31)! So my husband and I have been really talking about our next steps. IUI or not IUI? If we don't do it right away, how many cycles do we want to try with meds only before moving on to IUI? Right now we're talking trying two without IUI (just Clomid or Femara) and then moving on from there if need be. We'll see. So that's all for tonight.

Words failed me.

So on Sunday my husband and I went to visit my cousin and his wife. They have 16-year-old twins and my cousin himself is a twin. My uncle and his wife, my aunt, also live with them. We're sitting around the table and my aunt says, "So are you two having any kids?" (Never mind she asked me this question last year around the holidays and I told her then that we were seeing what happened.) I answer this time, "We want them," and she makes a face and says, "You're crazy." Then my husband says, "Well, I really want to have a job first." And I'm thinking, "Wait, he does know we're trying right?" I mean, I really couldn't tell if he was just saying anything to throw her off, or if he really thinks we're waiting til he has a job. So then my aunt tells me how when she found out she was having twins she was so upset, and then when she found out she was pregnant not long after (with her daughter) she would have crossed the line if there was a line back then to cross. She said that's how upset she was that she was pregnant. Her son (one of the twins) basically said if you play, you pay, and he laughed about it. I was pretty stunned though. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to say, "It's funny how easy it is for some," but I really couldn't speak. Here she is alluding to the fact that she would have gotten an abortion if she could have right in front of one of her children. It was very odd to me. Once again I'm struck by how crazy the world is, how wildly unfair that there is such a thing as unwanted children for some and how others like me are aching for a baby and struggling to conceive. Crazy. But it's late, and I'm tired, and that's all I have for now but needed to share while it was on my mind.

Good news for the future!

I think I mentioned awhile back that hubby had a semen analysis in September that we were told would have to be paid out of pocket since our RE doesn't get reimbursed by the insurance company. So he forked over the $100. But I kept wondering, "Why can't he be reimbursed? The first one was covered." It made no sense to me. So I called the insurance company, asked if I could submit it myself, was told no since my provider is in network and they urged me to have the doctor's office submit it. So I called them and asked them to do it. The woman I talked to kept saying it wouldn't be covered but I asked her to submit it anyway because the insurer would not allow me to submit it myself.

Anyway, a month or so went by and I never heard so I called today and spoke to another woman named Joy and her name really fit! She offered to submit it but then looked in my file and said it was already submitted and it looks like it was paid so she'll be returning the $100!

I also asked her to explain what's needed in an IUI cycle and how much it costs. My job is having open enrollment right now and I want to set some money aside for IUI next year. I already know the IUI itself was $350 from a previous call but was not sure how much the bloodwork and ultrasounds and doctor's visits cost. So she said they had a package for patients without coverage and it is $900 per month. I think that sounds like a fair price. A friend of mine is going to another clinic in our area and they charge $1500 for an IUI cycle. My doctor is highly regarded in our area too so I know this isn't like a bargain basement price.

Joy really made my day. She was sooo nice and explained everything and didn't have this tone to her voice that I was being a real pain in the butt.

So does $900/cycle sound good to you?

I hope hubby has a job by the spring! He said we can't do IUI til he gets a job. :( I know that makes a lot of sense. But I'm still socking away any money I can for that purpose.

Sometimes I wonder though if IUI is even necessary. The doctor recommended it even though hubby's semen analysis had great results. He said it cuts down on the sperm's journey by half and deposits it closer to where it needs to be, which I understand. I am not sure it's warranted but then I think why not give the medicated cycles a little extra "oomph"? I would be using this in conjunction with Femara or Clomd and possibly Ovidrel.

Feeling down on this holiday weekend...

I'm feeling pretty down today. I'm mostly annoyed at my ovaries for not working correctly. I really had it in my head that I was in some sort of lame pattern, ovulating every other cycle and on day 31. It is now day 30 and all my OPKs up until now have been negative. I'm ready to forget my stupid list and not walk, but RUN, to the RE for Clomid or Femara. My patience is already wearing thin. I'm full of "It's not fair!" thoughts.

I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for - but honestly, right now I just am having a hard time focusing on it. Thanksgiving was a big letdown this year. I did not get to see my adorable niece and nephews and was only with one sibling (out of six of us). It just felt like something was really lacking on top of all my TTC issues. I kept having visions of being pregnant by the holidays and announcing my big news at this lovely time of year. I'm disgusted, sad, angry, disappointed, and more.

On Wednesday I left a message for a local fertility clinic (not the one I go to) which is doing a clinical study for PCOS women and 3 months' free Medifast food is provided. I'm a little sketchy on the details so I left a message for the nurse coordinator. I hope she calls me back on Monday and if it works out maybe I can focus on losing some weight. I'm really grasping at straws here by going on some commercial weight loss program. I know they only temporarily work for me and then I regain all the weight I lost and more but I feel pretty stuck right now.

Disney Pixar Up...just watched it! :( Sad, sad, sad.

Oh, my word, I just watched the Disney Pixar film Up with the hubby. How far behind am I? If you are like me and just hadn't gotten around to seeing it yet but want to, please be warned this contains a SPOILER!

So we're just watching this cute little kid movie and the characters Carl & Ellie are lying there in the grass watching the clouds become images and they see one baby and then they see LOTS of babies. And then they are painting a nursery. Awww. So cute. But I'm feeling a tiny bit jealous of these animated characters, thinking the next scene is going to show her with a growing belly. But no, it's sad. And they are in a doctor's office. And then there are never any babies. And they grow old and gray. Hubby says, "Aww, just like us." I'm sitting here all teary-eyed in a children's movie!! Thanks, Disney.

Circle + Bloom update and last acupuncture appointment for 2010

So far I really like the Circle + Bloom program. I chose the PCOS/infertility one. If nothing else, it is really helping me to relax. The first night I listened (Sunday night) it relaxed me so much I was able to fall right asleep afterward (which was fine since I was already in bed and ready for sleep). Yesterday I took it to acupuncture with me and one track was just the right length to listen to while I let the needles do their thing. I did feel very very relaxed, which was helpful because in my past sessions I had a somewhat difficult time staying still while the needles were in. I'm a very fidgety person by nature so anything requiring lying still and doing nothing is not going to be my forte. So Circle + Bloom helped.

I also had to tell my acupuncturist last night that I could not come back this year. I'm very much a "people pleaser" so it was hard to tell her but when she asked if I'd like to schedule I told her I just couldn't until January. This is due to my insurance pays nothing towards acupuncture and my FSA is pretty much drained for 2010. She was fine with it and very understanding and we scheduled for January. So that is a weight off my shoulders. I am not sure how much good acupuncture did me anyway. I've been going three months and ovulated once, then had an anovulatory cycle, and the jury is still out on this cycle.

I will sign off this post by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you! I hope you have a wonderful day full of things for which to be grateful!

Yep, I'm just crazy!

Those two high temps in a row that looked as if they might have meant ovulation had occurred were just a fluke I guess. Temp plummeted again today. It was like there were two voices in my head as I stared at my thermometer, which showed 97.03. One was saying (to the thermometer), "No, no fair! You were supposed to be high today, like at least 97.5 high!" And the other is saying, "Idiot, you knew this was going to happen! Why did you even get your hopes up?" Oh, well, I'll give it til this weekend and see what happens before I totally discount myself from this cycle.

I'm off to my acupuncture appointment tonight. I never did cancel or reschedule it and I'm scrambling trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with the $90 with all the Christmas shopping I'll be doing later this week. I hope I'm able to be honest today and tell her that after today I cannot come until the new year (when I'll have fresh untapped funds in my FSA that I can designate to acupuncture).

You know you're getting obsessed when...

...you miss hearing your alarm in the morning (when it's time to temp your BBT) but then proceed to have multiple dreams about taking your temp, leading you into a false sensation that you could continue to sleeping because you already took the temp.

I think I was crazier than normal today because yesterday I had a much higher temp that had me thinking, "Did I ovulate? Or did I not?" all day. So by the time I actually woke up and realized I did not take my temp yet today it was an hour and forty-five minutes after I'm supposed to take it. And it was higher than it has been all cycle (although not as high as yesterday), but who can tell if that is due to actual ovulation or just because I woke up late? Aarrgghh. I'm so obsessed. I can't wait for the day I don't need to temp anymore or I can pee without thinking, "Do I need to collect this in a cup?"

Circle + Bloom

After thinking about it for a few weeks (maybe even months) I just purchased & downloaded Circle + Bloom's program for PCOS/infertility. I will post more about it after I listen to it tomorrow but I'm very excited. Relaxing is something I definitely need more help with. So I've uploaded it to my iPod already and will be listening to it starting tomorrow and then again during my acupuncture appointment on Monday. Serenity now!

Six months TTC

This week is officially six months since we started TTC. It feels like so much longer than six months. And when I think of how I committed to doing this for a whole year before getting help I wonder where my head was. I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW. But I just have to calm myself down, reread my list of reasons for waiting for infertility treatment, and get grounded again. I realize that six months is not long that long in TTC Land. I know it takes some years and I hope I don't sound insensitive. I just needed to vent though.

When I see myself in a full-length mirror I start feeling disgusted and wonder how I can even think this body could possibly get pregnant? I'm no longer overweight; I'm obese. It hurts to acknowledge that but I have to. I have to get real and realize that eating sugar and "bad" carbs are doing me a huge disservice. I need to put them down, get healthy, and only then will I have a chance to conceive. I'm full of hatred for my body now. I need to turn this emotion into something positive - and do something about this! Right away my mind is going to, "But it's Thanksgiving next week, I might as well wait." Ugh.

Friend's miscarriage

Once again, there is not a whole lot going on right now with me. My husband is still out of work, I'm still not pregnant, etc. Life feels sort of monotonous right now, as if I'm a hamster on a wheel.

I'm on cycle day 12 of my fifth cycle charting. So far, I have absolutely nothing to report.

I had my eighth acupuncture appointment on Saturday and I'm at the point now where I don't think I can afford biweekly appointments anymore. I'm sorry I didn't speak up and say something. Instead I just made the appointment (for 16 days, not 14) and now am plotting how to reschedule it for another two weeks. When I first started seeing her she told me I'd need to come pretty close together for the first 6-8 sessions (as acupuncture has a cumulative effect). After about four I started getting antsy as it was getting expensive that soon. So I discussed it with her and she said she'd really like me to come another few sessions in quick succession and then we'd discuss spreading them apart more. I realize I am going to be the one who has to speak up. After all she is not going to discourage me from coming every two weeks. That is money in her pocket. So I will need to speak up and say that I cannot continue to afford these treatments, as much as I wish I could. I wonder if going once a month would have much benefit. Ahh, why do I have to be such a people pleaser?

One of my two pregnant friends just miscarried though, and my heart is breaking for her. I was really rooting for her and her little bean but he/she did not stick. I feel so bad for my friend though and I hope she can conceive again soon. It took her awhile to conceive this one so my thoughts are definitely with her. I can't help but wonder if I'm not getting pregnant yet because someone out there knows I couldn't handle something like this right now. Who knows.

No ovulation...on to next cycle.

So last cycle was a bust and I don't meant that I got a BFN (negative). I mean that I never even ovulated. Ahh, well. I'm on day 3 of a new cycle now. I'm trying not to analyze the last cycle but I keep doing it anyway. My acupuncturist told me that in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) it is believed that every time your body leaves the ground it affects your cycle. Maybe she was just trying to make me feel better. I also am having very mixed feelings about the soy isoflavones. Part of me feels they made my cycle anovulatory, part of me wants to give them another chance at a higher dose. But not this cycle. This cycle I'm going back to basics. I'm taking only the things my naturopath recommended, Ovablend and Vitex, for hormonal health. For insulin resistance (which I'm not 100% sure I have) I'm taking cinnamon and d-chiro-inositol (DCI). And from day 14 til the start of next cycle, my naturopath recommended flaxseed (1 tbsp. per day) and Phytoprogest (2 droppersful per day). So for the first 14 days I'll take four supplements plus prenatal vitamin and then from day 14 on I add the flaxseed (I usually mix it into coconut milk yogurt since I shouldn't eat dairy) and take the Phytoprogest in a glass of water. Except for the DCI my naturopath knows about everything and has recommended all but the cinnamon (but likes the idea of my taking that). She does not believe I have insulin resistance but I feel I do so that is why I'm taking the DCI.

As for the soy, I want to see if my next few cycles are ovulatory. If they are but I don't conceive, I might try a higher dosage of soy in a few months. If I don't ovulate that month, then maybe that will convince me that soy doesn't work for me and I can just forget about it once and for all. I did take a low dosage (120 mg). I've heard of other women with my condition taking 280 mg or thereabouts.

I have another acupuncture treatment in seven days (will be my eighth visit I believe and after that I hope she lets me cut back to once a month or so as I'm having a hard time affording it). At acupuncture she treats me according to where I am in my cycle and I love when what she does and what I read in Randine Lewis' book coincide and I feel so hopeful. She told me to avoid yams and to keep my uterus warm with a warm water bottle or heating pad and I read both of those in the book (which I've had from the library for months now - thank God for renewals and the fact no one else has it reserved).

Two of my very best friends are pregnant right now and I so badly want to join them but I know it must not be my time yet. Regarding another issue in my life, a friend told me the other day that God doesn't say no. He says, "Yes," "Not now," or "I've got something better for you." I'm not very religious but I like the idea that God is watching out for me. :) I also believe that this journey will make me a better and more compassionate mother.

So I really don't have much of an update but just wanted to check in for my few readers.

Out of patience

Ugh, I have so many expectations and they are not being met: the expectation that my body will work the way it should, that I will ovulate like a normal woman, that I can ovulate before day 30 or even day 20.

I have been experiencing signs of pending ovulation yet I cannot seem to get a positive OPK this month. I'm practically dripping with fertile cervical mucus. I know this is all TMI but I'm so frustrated I just need to share it somewhere.

Last cycle I had positive OPKs on cycle day 29 and 30 and then I ovulated on cycle day 31. I'm on cycle day 29 right now hence my utter frustration and impatience.

I hope to have positive news to share soon - at least that I ovulated.

I was on vacation for five nights and I was so bad with charting. I was afraid I'd miss my ovulation day but no worries there, I did not ovulate at all.

If this cycle is a bust too I am really considering purchasing the incredibly expensive Insulite Labs system for PCOS. I know, I'm grasping at straws here.

Nothing new

I know it's been awhile since I've written but really, there is not much to write about it. I'm on my fourth charted cycle, waiting for ovulation, and I'm on day 21.

I was considering getting a second opinion from another RE but realized they would want to do a full exam and take all kinds of blood work which would cost me a morning or afternoon off work and right now I just can't do it. All the days I'm willing to use this year are already booked. I have one week of vacation left and my hope/plan/goal is to roll it to 2011 (you know, in case I have a baby and can take a maternity leave).

I keep getting these ideas to move on to the Clomid or Femara and then I have to pull myself back to reality. I actually made myself a list of reasons why I should wait until next May/June to start treatment. I have to keep rereading it to keep it fresh in my mind. I'll share most of the reasons here too.

1. Really give my body a chance to do it naturally
2. Give my mind/stubbornness a chance
3. Give hubby time to find a job
4. Timing will be right for a spring baby (which is what I would choose in a perfect world)
5. FSA will be "loaded up" and ready to handle the expenses
6. Health insurance MAY cover IF coverage next year (long shot)
7. Women with PCOS CAN conceive naturally - it might be harder but it is not impossible
8. Our financial situation may be better
9. I can enjoy Disney World (leaving this week!)
10. I invested a lot of money into naturopathy & acupuncture and should give it time to work
11. IF treatments have side effects - nothing to take lightly

Soy update

So I really have no update except to say that tonight will be my last night taking 120 mg of soy isoflavones. I have had no side effects and I can't even tell any difference so far. Today is day 7 for me so tonight will be the end...and then we'll see what happens.

I decided to start temping vaginally this time because I got sick of my rocky temperatures and was afraid sleeping with my mouth open was throwing them off. I haven't taken my temp since day 2 because it just seemed gross to me to take my temp down there while I was bleeding. So I think I'll resume temping tomorrow. It felt strange not to temp but it was also a nice break. I think resuming tomorrow will work just fine.

Now I just have to keep fingers crossed that if my ovulation does move up, it doesn't move up so far that I won't be with my hubby at the time.

Not much else is going on here so I'm signing out.

Soy isoflavones

Since I started a new cycle recently I've been really obsessing about trying soy isoflavones just one cycle to see what happens. Will it move up my ovulation date? Give me a stronger ovulation? Help me get pregnant? Today is my cycle day 3 and I stopped by Walmart and bought a bottle of soy isoflavones. The tablets are 40 mg each. I am going to take 3 each day for 5 days, so 120 mg per day. I'm not sure where this urge came from but I obsessed about it all day, did lots of research, and decided to just go for it.

I'm really nervous it's going to counteract with something else I'm taking or that I'll have some crazy side effects I won't know how to handle. But I keep telling myself the worst that can happen is it doesn't work, and the best is that I'll get pregnant from this cycle.

If it does work and moves up my ovulation date that might not be a good thing. I'll be traveling (without my hubby) on cycle days 12-15. If I ovulate at a "normal" time I might not be with my hubby when it matters, when I'm fertile. If I could plan it out, I'd hope to ovulate around CD 17 or 18 which would give us a few chances once I get back from my trip.

I'm headed off to bed now as I'm super exhausted. Ahh, I can sleep in tomorrow. That is one silver lining in not having a child yet...sleeping in on the weekends. What a delish feeling! Good night!

My hubby is a stud!

My husband went in for a second semen analysis today. He was told he could get the results tomorrow but they actually called today already. They said everything was NORMAL.

First of all, liquefaction was totally COMPLETE this time. No viscosity! Woo-hoo!

Here are the numbers:
Volume: 3.6
Concentration: 141 million (They like to see greater than 20 million.)
Count: 507 million (They like to see greater than 40 million.)
Motility: 63% (They like to see greater than 50%.)
Morphology: 8% (They like to see 11-14% but 5-14% is acceptable.)

I can't remember the other thing she said but she said out of 1-4 he is a 3.8. I think it was some overall grade perhaps?

However, they are still recommending IUI, which I'm not thrilled about but OK with. We are going to continue to try on our own for a few months and then as long as DH has a job by next year we'll proceed with the IUI and some ovulation-inducing drug for me (Clomid or letrozole).

Just an update

I heard back from my naturopath yesterday and she gave me a few things to try to raise my progesterone. One of them was oregano, so my dinner last night, and my lunch and dinner today were all liberally sprinkled with oregano. One other thing she recommended can only be purchased online so I ordered that today. I have spent a small fortune on alternative treatments and supplements, which is kind of ironic because one small part of the reason why we haven't pursued infertility treatments at the fertility doctor's office is financial. But that really is only a part of it.

I'm now 12 DPO, which is the longest I've ever gotten since I've charted. I think a new cycle is about to start but time will tell.

My husband's second SA is tomorrow. We had a little chat about it and I told him if he gets the same results as last time, it will be OK. I am really hoping and praying that his results are better but have to realize that it will be OK even if they're not. We can do an IUI if it really is a problem. I don't want to do that but I will if we have to.

Ugh, poor guy has had a really crappy few weeks. He lost his job the end of August and then got the results of his SA, well, they weren't even really results as we were just told it was non-diagnostic.

Please, semen, liquefy tomorrow!

9DPO P4 results

So I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened today. My results for yesterday were 3.36. It was 5.5 three days prior so that wasn't good. The nurse said that my doctor recommends Clomid and I asked if there was anything else instead and she said, "You don't want Clomid?" I explained that I was concerned with the side effects and she put me on hold and consulted with the doctor and told me that he said I could take letrozole. I'll have to do more research on that before I agree with that but I have heard it has fewer side effects than Clomid.

9DPO P4 - still in suspense.

Like an idiot, I carried my phone around for hours today. You know, the doctor's office told me they'd call at noon, so I was sort of expecting a phone call around noon (or even by 1:00 or 2:00). But, no, they did not call me so I'm left wondering and wondering. I almost let it ruin my day but decided to try to get over it. I think I did OK. We were at a good game and then went to one of our favorite restaurants in the city.

Even though I gave the doctor's office my cell phone number I was still holding out a tiny bit of hope that maybe they left the message on my home phone so as soon as I got home, I checked the answering machine, but no message. I'm very upset with them. This is not the first time they've not returned my call. And because it was a Sunday their incoming callers were told they were closed and told to only stay on the line in case of emergency. I'm very disappointed in them.

I feel that my progesterone level would have had to have gone up a bit. I made it to 9DPO and my temperatures have been higher than they were 3 days ago.

I'll have to wait until 8:00 a.m. to call them and try to find out. I'm undecided if I'm going to tell them how upset I was. I find it hard to be assertive but I feel they should know it's wrong to get a patient's hopes up by letting her think she'll have an answer in less than three hours...and then not deliver and leave her hanging for a day. Very rude!

Second P4 draw - 9DPO

I'm pretty sure this was the first time in my life I went to a doctor on a Sunday. Pretty strange. I had my second P4 blood draw. I had one on Thursday at 6DPO, as you probably know, and it was only 5.5 so the doctor wanted me to be rechecked today. I was fairly confident that I'd have my period by this morning but I do not, and my temps are still above the cover line. I've never gotten this many DPO since I've been charting so I'm excited.

I think I still have those darn psychics in the back of my head. Cheri22 told me September was my month (conceive, BFP, or due date) and JennyRenny said I'd conceive in a cycle that started in August and get my BFP in September. So that's really there in the back of my head. Of course, Cheri said I'm having a girl and JennyRenny said a boy so they can't both be right (not unless I would have more than one baby).

So I'm off to a baseball game now and will be getting the results most likely while I'm in the car driving there (about an hour away) so I won't be able to post my results until this evening.

While I was at the doctor's office this morning, I picked up a sterile cup for my hubby's second semen analysis this week. When he saw the size of the cup, he said, "What, do they think I'm a horse?" Ha ha.

I "let" him have a mocha today (espresso & milk drink) but I'll gently remind him to drink lots of water today (and every day this week). I think I should pack some fruit to take to the game too. I REALLY want this SA to turn out with better results.

In my little dreamworld, I keep imagining that somehow I'm already pregnant this cycle and I'll get my BFP before he gets the results of this SA. I wish I could come back to reality, but that probably won't happen until my period shows up.

OK, off to the game! Go, home team!

Second semen analysis

My husband called and made an appointment for a second semen analysis this coming Thursday at the RE's office. I did some research after the first botched non-diagnostic one and found out it's better to do it in RE's office rather than hospital lab as the RE has more tools to separate the semen and sperm. I wish we had been told that before the last one! We only chose the hospital last time because there would be no cost to us, whereas the RE charges $100. In hopes of making his semen less viscous, I keep encouraging him to drink more water and less soda, tea, and coffee, and to eat more fruits and veggies. I can only hope that makes a difference with less than a week to go.

I really hope that this analysis goes better for him. We have to go to one of my RE's other office locations tomorrow so I can get a 9DPO blood draw. (There are four offices and one is less than a mile from our house but it's one of the others that's open 365 days a year, and I believe they are about 20-30 minutes away.) Well, I should say I have to go. My husband does not have to go with me but I thought it would be nice if he did because when he's coming on Thursday with his sample he'll already know how to get there, where to park, etc. and he can go straight to where he needs to go.

As for me, I was really worried that I'd get my period before tomorrow. So far, so good. I have been feeling a bit crampy the past two days but my temperature is in fact rising again. Crazy. I'm 8 DPO right now. If I did have my period already that would signify a problem. So I keep praying it holds off another 6-7 days or so. First I want to be able to get this blood draw to see if my progesterone goes up. And second, I am not ready to have my period yet. On top of that, who wants to have a short LP, which signifies a progesterone issue?

One of my good friends just found out she is about 4 weeks pregnant with her first. I am SO excited for her. I keep hoping I get my BFP so we can go through this journey together. I honestly was rooting for her to get her BFP first since I would have felt awful telling her if I was pregnant first. She is a good deal older than I am, plus she has been trying longer.

P4 results

I went in for my P4 test early this morning and I've been waiting all day with anticipation and dread. I should be hearing from them soon since they close by 3:30 or 4:00 and it's 3:17 as I write this.

I had no trouble getting an appointment. I called yesterday and asked for one and they said sure. I decided to get it today (at 6DPO) rather than tomorrow since I was afraid I'd get my period before then.

A good friend of mine texted me today to say she got a positive HPT today but is retesting tomorrow since she doesn't think it's correct. It's so sad when you've been TTC so long that when you finally get a + you don't believe it. I am trying to tell her that false positives are rare! She doesn't want to get her hopes up. I'm so happy for her - and hoping I have good news of my own soon - even if it's just that I have a luteal phase defect but it can be easily remedied. I hope to hear I at least ovulated. I was about 99% sure I did and am now starting to have doubts.

It's now 3:36 and I just got the call that my progesterone is 5.5. I have no idea what that means. The doctor wants me to be retested on Sunday so I guess I'll find out more then.

Solid crosshairs!

Yippee! I was overjoyed yesterday when I logged onto my FF account and entered my temperature (third high one) and it gave me crosshairs. those of you who chart your temperatures know what I'm talking about probably. And they weren't dotted crosshairs like I've gotten in the past but solid ones. I was very excited.

Now I'm just hoping to have a better luteal phase. My last one was only about 7 days, not long enough at all. It was recommended to me by the Soul Cysters to get a P4 test done so I'm going to call my RE and see if I can get one 7DPO which would be this Friday. I'm fully expecting some resistance because first of all I can tell he doesn't think I'll ovulate unmedicated. Every time I talk to him it's Clomid, Clomid, Clomid. He hasn't even bothered to order any bloodwork or ultrasounds to see if I'm ovulating and I could save him a lot of time but just telling him that BBT charting is telling me.

Oh, well, he's aggressive but he's doing his job - trying to get me pregnant. But I really want to try this without all this high-tech stuff if I can. I have nothing against any of it and if I need it, I'll certainly use it but I wanted to see what my body was capable of on its own. Since starting the herbs, I have ovulated twice. Granted, my cycles are long so they're not ideal but I AM ovulating.

Waiting & hoping to ovulate

I swear (and I think I've shared this before) waiting to ovulate is harder and much more torturous than the 2-week wait. When you have PCOS, the wait to ovulation can be indefinite. At least a 2WW is just about two weeks. I'm on CD 32 and have EWCM and have gotten two positive OPKs but still nothing. My temp did rise today but not enough that I would think I ovulated. All I can hope is that tomorrow my temp goes up even more.

My temps have been very erratic. I'm pretty sure I sleep with my mouth open many nights and I think I should switch to vaginal temping. It's going to be weird to get used to but I'm curious to see if my temps level out. They started out so nicely this cycle, in a nice little "W" shape, and then they started going nuts, up and down by a whole degree.

All I want is to O. Is that too much to ask?

I have it looming over me that the doc wants us to have an IUI and have me go on Clomid. I really did not want it to come to that but if I don't become pregnant by spring 2011 I guess that is where we are headed!

I hope and pray DH gets a job soon. He has an interview on Tuesday and I hope something comes of it.

My other concern is that if I do O, I might have a short luteal phase again. Anyone else dealing with that on their own? Should I self-medicate? I have vitamin B6 already but have not taken it yet. Should I take that? Or get some kind of progesterone? What would you do? Thanks.

+ OPK!

For the first time in my life I got a + OPK! I was so excited I just had to share. Can you imagine how I'll be if I ever get a + HPT? :o

Semen Analysis Results

My hubby & I conference-called our RE's office today to see if the results of his semen analysis were in. I was fully prepared to hear everything was good. I stayed on mute and let him do the talking.

Well, the nurse got on the line and told him that his test was "non-diagnostic" because his semen was too viscous and never liquefied. She said the doctor recommends that I contact them at the start of my next period and get started on Clomid and they'll do insemination.

Hold up...WHAT? That's it? They don't retest it to see if it was a one-time thing? That is our only option now? I called back and asked if he could be retested and they said that in 90 days he could try again.

I feel like someone punched me in the gut and took my breath away. I can't even let my husband see that I'm upset because that will make him upset and he's already in a bad enough place with not having a job.

Quit temping? Not yet.

I had my third acupuncture appointment today. It was so hard to lie still especially when the bandages on my back started really making my skin itch. I wound up losing three of the needles (out of my maybe 18-20) because I was so fidgety. She was kind enough not to say it was me but said sometimes they fall when they're done. Two of them I know I knocked out with my fidgeting.

I've been reading more of Randine Lewis' book this week and it's interesting to kind of read along with what is she is actually doing. I wouldn't really have much of a clue if I hadn't gotten that book out of the library.

Today was a bit upsetting in the morning. A similar thing happened last cycle. Yesterday I had a very high temperature and today I was so sure it was going to stay high and show that I ovulated. But today it plummeted over a degree, which may not sounds like a lot but on my chart it looks like someone fell down a very steep mountain.

So I had to accept that I have not ovulated yet and I may have another anovulatory cycle. I'm kind of down in the dumps right now. My acupuncturist said she put a few needles in the "impatient" spots for me so that I'll feel less impatient. Ha ha. I sure need that! I was so dejected about my temperature this morning for a few seconds I almost thought I should just quit charting. But I don't know if I could trade that knowledge just to get rid of the constant disappointment. At least this way I KNOW if I'm ovulating and have a clue what's going on. Ahh, it's tough. And this is just the beginning.

Oh, well, I'd best get back to my Friday night of cleaning. We are having a Labor Day BBQ tomorrow and we've got lots of company coming and the house is not quite company-ready yet.

Surgery tomorrow!

So my surgery will be in the morning and after that I can finally resume my herbs. I cannot wait. I feel a bit panicky without them. It's my cycle day 20 and no ovulation yet. That's not unusual. Even on the herbs I did not ovulate until closer to cycle day 30. I'm not nervous about my surgery but I'm hoping it goes well and I'm not in a lot of pain afterwards. (I live in a dreamworld.)

I did get my HSG results the day after I called. The nurse at my RE's office told me everything was "wunderbar." It's a good thing I'm German or I might not have known what she meant. (Ha ha.) So it's nice to know that's not the issue. Now my husband still has to get his semen analysis. Fun fun!

So life is just dealing us a bunch of crap right now. Six days ago someone either pulled a nice hit-and-run on my car or vandalized it but either way I was left with a damaged driver's side rear door on my baby (car). The good news is since the police officer feels it was probably vandalism it falls under my comprehensive coverage which has a $250 deductible as opposed to a $500 deductible for collision.

And on Thursday my husband abruptly lost his job. We went through this less than two years ago as well. So far I'm handling it much better than last time. I did not cry or despair. But it's still early (four days later). The silver lining is that he can go get his semen analysis any day now! We were having issues scheduling it for a time he could be home. Now it won't be an issue. :(

We haven't had a real heart-to-heart yet as to whether or not we are going to continue TTC during his unemployment, since it would feel selfish for me to bring that up right now, but he hasn't acted any differently about it. He still talks as if it's happening. I'd hate to give up because of that, especially since the odds are stacked against us. But I don't want him to have anything else stressing him out. He certainly is not as excited about or eager as I am to have a child. It is definitely different for men and women.

I can't even tell you how many books I've read regarding conception and infertility since we started this journey. I went to the library today and picked up a copy of The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. I'm hooked already! Of course, this is the stuff I'm into. I had my second acupuncture appointment on Friday. I'm going to be having weekly appointments for at least 4-8 weeks and then we'll discuss how many I can cut back to. It is certainly not inexpensive but I really feel that that the Eastern ways have a lot to offer so that is what I'm working on now. I really like acupuncture. Some of the needles give me a bit of a jolt, others feel like a light touch on the skin, and others I don't feel at all. I know it's not the needle actually hurting since it is so fine (as fine as a human hair) and so flexible and inserted so slightly. It all has to do with the Qi (chee) in my body.

My doctor suggested Clomid but I wanted to try herbs and acupuncture first. I'm not against Clomid but I certainly don't want it to be my first line of defense. There are too many side effects for me to take it that lightly. I really like my RE but I don't like how he just so quickly suggested "bariatric surgery and Clomid" as the answer to my problems. I know too many people that have had bariatric surgery and regained their weight. And Clomid has its place I'm sure but I have to respect the side effects.

I went for a nice walk today with a friend. We walked about 35 minutes and ended with a killer hill. I had a short cool down before I arrived at home. Today was also my fifth day without sugar. Yay me! The sugar had to go. I am addicted to it and I won't lose weight (and therefore get into a healthy baby-making body) as long as I'm eating it. So five days down. Whew. It gets easier the longer I abstain. These first few weeks (this is not the first time I've done this) are not easy. The cravings are there often.

Quick update

I figured I'd update my blog with an update to say that I've been quiet since not much is going on.

I am having a minor surgery (not TTC or GYN related) on the 31st so I had to go off my herbal remedies as well as my prenatal vitamin for 2 weeks prior. So that was the past week and the coming week and after the surgery I can resume.

I'm feeling a tad anxious not to be "on" anything because I don't really trust my body to go and try to ovulate on its own. But on the other hand it's good to have a forced break to see if my body IS capable. I have wondered since I started on the herbs (since I started herbs and charting at the same time) if I was capable but I really didn't want to waste any more time. We had already been married for 19 months by that time and I was ready to go full-force ahead to getting myself to be a mommy!

So I'm continuing to chart just so I can make sure ovulation doesn't occur before the surgery but I'm not really doing much else related to TTC. I'm still reading/researching like a fiend. (Knowledge is power right? And at my last visit with my RE back in June he mentioned how impressed he was with how "organized" I was. I had a list of questions and I asked him every one.)

I did call the RE's office today to get the official results of my HSG. :( But no one returned my call.

The crazed panic I've felt for much of the past three months has subsided and has me feeling fairly peaceful for the past week or two. I'm glad. I was starting to feel crazy. And there are BABIES everywhere. I'm glad I can just feel happy for them and not full of jealousy. Four of my first cousins had babies this year and one of my husband's first cousins is having a baby very soon. And that's just first cousins. I have no idea how many more distant relatives have had or are having babies this year. THANK GOD I don't feel any intense jealousy. That would be yucky.

Baby Morph Site

I just had to share. I uploaded pictures of my husband and me to this baby morphing site and got this little gal. She looks nothing like me at all except for maybe the hair (but mine is much lighter) and I don't even know if she looks like my husband. But she's kind of cute.

Baby C Fund

My hubby and I moved this past January into a much smaller home. We went from a single, 3-bedroom rancher to a 2-bedroom, 2-story, narrow and short townhouse. We love it but it is definitely much smaller (and go figure, we are paying almost $300 more in rent per month).

Craigslist has become my new friend. In the past year we've made several hundred dollars selling extra or useless stuff that we no longer need. My husband and I both had fully furnished apartments before we got married so we had lots of duplicates. Our brothers both got their own places right around when we moved in together so we gave some stuff to them but still had lots of extra stuff. For the first few months we were spending the money we made on other things.

But then I started a fund called the Baby C fund in ING Direct and anytime we sell anything on Craigslist I put the money in there. And anytime I get extra cash that hasn't been counted on, that goes in too. For instance, my company merged and I have stock and everyone got a nice dividend. I figured that was not money I was counting on for anything else, so in it went.

Whatever we can't sell we drop off at a local thrift store whose sales go right back into the community. So it's a win-win! Our house isn't cluttered and we're helping out a charity.

I also use a cash-only system and at the end of a pay period, I do a "clean sweep." Whatever is left in my cash envelopes gets swept out and deposited into the Baby C Fund.

And since my cash envelopes don't have room for coins I tend to just collect coins in my pocket all day and each night I dump them in a coin jar. I've been doing the cash system for not quite 6 months and that coin jar is quite full. Once it's full I'll take its contents to the credit union and deposit that into my account which will get transferred to ING as well.

I just checked the account today and in just a month's time our baby has over $300 already. When I get pregnant I plan to use this money on stuff like a crib and changing table/dresser, etc. I already have my bedding set picked out too (although that is subject to change) and cannot wait to get a positive test so I can start shopping! Since I'm not even pregnant yet I have at least nine more months to save.

I love that I'll be able to have guilt-free shopping sprees because this money is totally not allocated towards anything else. It's been a great way to save without feeling the pinch. :)

HSG is over!

I had my HSG today. In some ways it was worse than I thought. In other ways it wasn't as bad.

I left work at 1:30 and needed to be at the hospital by 2:15. I arrived shortly before 2:00 but it was a long walk from the parking garage to the hospital and I had no clue where I was going. When I got there I went to registration and the woman couldn't find my information. I almost went into a panic because at this point it was almost 2:15 and I wasn't going to be done in time. I had to wait and then I went back and some woman had to register me. They couldn't find me anywhere. Well, I think what happened is that I booked the appointment with my doctor but I was supposed to call the hospital too. When I called the hospital I told them I needed an HSG and my husband needed an SA and I guess they just transferred me right to the department for SAs. So I never actually registered with the hospital. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was so nervous. I thought, "Oh, no, I even scheduled time off from work and now it's going to be canceled and I'm going to have to wait another 6 weeks or more until I can come again." But it all worked out. I played dumb and batted my eyelashes and was able to be seen by the doctor. Whew. Oh, yeah, I'm joking about the batting eyelashes part but very serious about playing dumb. Thank God it worked out. I was stressing big-time and feeling very stupid!

Two other women and I were in the waiting room and all got called back together. We all were taken into three changing rooms in a row and I was #3 - third to get taken into a room, third to have my HSG done. They each changed into wrap-around gowns but they didn't have any for me so I wore two gowns, one like a robe with the opening in the front, and the other on top of it with the opening in the back. It was awkward and warm but at least I didn't feel (too) exposed. We could leave all our clothes on including shoes except for underwear and pants or a skirt, whatever you were wearing.

Each woman that came out of the X-ray room looked OK so I figured it wouldn't be too bad. It was nerve-wracking though, sitting there waiting for them to be done and trying to hear what was going on and read their expressions as they came out. They didn't look traumatized though so that was a calming thing.

So basically I laid on a table covered in pads (sort of in Pap smear position but not as bad) and they inserted the cold speculum and then the doctor told me they were inserting a catheter which caused some cramping. Then there were some bad burning cramps and I could feel myself making little moans because of the pain and then it was not so bad. They asked me to scoot up the table and the radiologist came in and lowered the X-ray over me and the doctor told me I could watch if I wanted. He said that I'd see my uterus as a triangle and then some squiggly things that would be my Fallopian tubes. He said he'd have a report in a few days and I could call for results.

As soon as the radiologist lowered the X-ray machine, I saw my uterus light up on the screen and then I saw my tubes. My doctor said, "Everything looks normal. You're perfect." And that was it! I got up, went back into the other room to get changed and felt some strange feeling between my legs. When I got into the changing room I pulled this tube out that looked like a somewhat bloody straw. I am not quite sure what that was. Then I had to put in a pad and when I started walking I could feel I guess what was the remains of the dye squirting out. It was a very strange sensation, similar to but different from menstruation.

I stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home. I thought a Blizzard would make me feel better. I guess temporarily it served its purpose. ;) Now I'm just feeling full and tired and lazy.

I guess everything is OK then. I'm not sure what the report will show - maybe just more detail? I guess I'm glad I had it done. I'm $180 poorer but this is just the beginning!

DCI, HSG, and More

It's been a few days since I've posted. Let's see...what's going on?

For one I got my newest supplement in the mail today. I'm so excited. I first read about it in Toni Weschler's book and then I researched and found a lot of positive stuff. I ordered a supplement called d-chiro-inositol, or DCI, for short. I am taking this without my ND's recommendation but she doesn't feel I need it and I am just listening to my gut which keeps telling me to just try it! So I am, starting either tonight or tomorrow. I was excited about the service from Chiral Balance. I just ordered it on Thursday and it made it to me today (Monday) very quickly with the minimum shipping they offer.

I am also scheduled for an HSG on Wednesday (less than 2 days from now). I was able to get the RE's staff to straighten this out. They are going to me just do the HSG for now, which is what I really wanted. I'm eager to get it over with but nervous about the procedure and the results. I am going into this assuming my tubes are clear and that the only hold-up is my PCOS (as if that is some small deal). My husband is going to get a sperm analysis too, which should be interesting.

I feel like I've spent the last three months in a daze. I've been obsessed with TTC and my work was starting to suffer. I'm thankful that seemed to break last week and I've had quite a few productive days at work. I do realize that life goes on each month whether I'm pregnant or not and that I need to keep living and not get bogged down in this TTC journey/nightmare. I hope I can keep this attitude and realization up for the rest of this cycle at least.

I did have an itty-bitty meltdown on Saturday night while looking at pictures of someone's particularly adorable baby on that social networking site I won't mention by name. My poor husband doesn't know what to do with me when I get like this. I am not jealous of anyone else's babies but I can't help but wonder why I can't have one too.

And I will also be experiencing acupuncture this week for the first time. I rescheduled my appointment (originally for Wednesday) due to the HSG now being on Wednesday (which is the only day my local hospital does the HSGs). So my appointment is now set for Saturday afternoon. I'm trying so many new things at once that if I do get pregnant I won't know which supplement or treatment should get the credit. ;) I am too impatient to just add one thing each cycle. My first cycle I was on Ovablend, then my second cycle I added Vitex and cinnamon with chromium (good for insulin resistance). Now I just started doing abdominal massage at the very end of cycle 2/beginning of cycle 3 and also in cycle 3 I'm adding DCI and acupuncture. I read some studies about spearmint tea and hirsutism and bought it and am thinking about starting that too. I am cramming a lot of stuff in!

Anyone else have an experience where they sort of just forgot to keep working and then bounced back out of it? How do you stay focused on non-TTC things when that is the #1 thing going on in your life?

Well, I'm not getting an April 2011 EDD!

I experienced some frustrations today and I just need to get them out.

First it is CD 1 again. But really I'm not that bothered by that. Last cycle was such a mess anyway. I don't feel I O'ed but FF is saying I did. So I'm kind of glad it's over. Time for a fresh start! And maybe a May 2011 EDD?? I can hope!

My main frustration is coming from the fact that I feel that I am insulin-resistant (IR) but I've not been treated for it. I really wanted to try DCI but I'm seeing a naturopath and did not want to do anything to interfere with what she has me on and she does not agree that I definitely have it. I called my RE's office and they told me they never tested me for it. (Why the heck not??) And I called my PCP and was told that I was tested for it and I do not have it or I just barely have it. She said something about the threshold being 100 and I'm at 101 so I'm just barely over the line. But from everything I'm reading in my research, that test (a fasting blood test) is not very accurate. I mentioned to her that I have AN and she said that it's not necessarily from IR but then followed up by asking if I'm on Metformin. And I'm not. And I don't remember why RE wouldn't give me Metformin.

I REALLY feel that the IR (that apparently only I think I have) is the hold-up here. It has me so stressed out that I can no longer relax. I am obsessed.

In the meanwhile I found another thing to stress me out, a copy of a progress note from my RE saying that I should get an HSG in 3-6 months and DH should get an SA. But when I called to schedule it, the nurse wanted me to come in this Friday for blood work and she mentioned something about Clomid. No! No Clomid! At least not yet! I know, I'm being stubborn. I'm just not ready to go there yet. So I spent the afternoon feeling sad and frustrated. I told her I did not want Clomid, I was only calling to schedule an HSG. Somewhere along the way someone's wires got crossed. Now I'm wondering if RE wants me to go on Clomid and 3-6 months after that have an HSG. I'm no doctor but that doesn't make sense to me. Before putting me on a drug that has side effects like that, shouldn't he make sure everything else is in working order first? Who knows. I have lots of questions and few answers though. I can't wait for tomorrow to get an answer. I'm so stressed.

Meanwhile, my countdown to my first acupuncture appointment is in SEVEN DAYS. Woo-hoo!

HSG

I'm debating whether or not to get an HSG and if so, when. I was just reading over some of the paperwork from my RE from May and it said to come back in 3-6 months for an HSG for me and SA for DH. I originally figured there was no way I'd be ready in six months, let alone three, but it's crazy how impatient I've become. I was determined to do this without the help of doctors and not even three months in, I'm already starting to think about it. I have to see if it's covered by insurance or not, how much the copay or the procedure is, etc. Part of my sudden interest in this procedure is asking a few questions about it on a message board and at first I was defending and explaining my decision to wait a year and then the next thing I knew, it was my latest obsession!

I am going back to see my naturopath in 2 days though and I have an acupuncture treatment lined up for next week so I still am trying without meds and this makes me think I should wait until after our October vacation and probably until after Thanksgiving to do this. (And then if I wait that long, why not just wait until the new year when our financial situation might allow us to move forward more?)

I really have no idea what to expect from this. I'm not sure I'm ready!

In other news, I really have a POAS addiction. My cycle is really wacky right now. I haven't O'ed yet and I'm on CD 39. My chart is saying I O'ed but I don't agree with it. So because it was saying I was 9 DPO I decided to pee on an HPT and at the same time I feel like I haven't O'ed yet so I decided to pee on an OPK. Serious issues, you know! And both were BFNs. :(

Jenny Renny Reading

I did this just for the fun of it.

"Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of September from a cycle that begins in August. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of May 2011 - specific reference to the 17th and 19th."

Uh-oh. Cheri is showing 2 girls, Jenny is showing a boy! Who will be right?

All is Quiet

I haven't posted too much because honestly, not much is happening. I'm having what may be an anovulatory cycle although my "cysters" on the message boards are telling me that my body may have tried and failed to ovulate and may try again one or more times. So really I'm just trying to keep my mind occupied on other things. The weekend and the past few days were very tense for me and today was the first day I didn't wake up thinking, "Did my temp rise?" I know now that it may not for awhile, whereas up until yesterday I kept thinking the temp rise was imminent. So I went for a walk last night, studied for my exam, BDed :), and tried to relax last night. Today I feel much more relaxed and I actually got some work done. I did not use an OPK and I do not plan on using one today. Honestly, they are just making me crazy. I'm going to keep taking my temperature each morning and charting any CM I see but other than that, I've got to take a step back.

Now I'm going to get a massage...the ultimate stress-reducer. Ahhh. My appointment is in 45 minutes and I cannot wait. I heard about some Mayan abdominal massage that is supposed to be helpful for infertility and for ovarian cysts. I'm going to ask my massage therapist what she knows about it. I trust her a lot. She is really very knowledgeable.

Update on Fertile-Focus

My Fertile-Focus saliva microscope surprised me by showing something different today! Unfortunately, I have no clue what it was. It was totally covered by crystals. It did not match the ferning picture that came in the instructions. To clarify, there were no lines that looked like ferns. It was more rounded than that. For lack of something better I called it "transitional" in my chart. I really did not know.

Today's OPK was negative. Temperature was higher today than it's been in awhile but not higher than it's been all cycle. I'm eager to see tomorrow's temperature. If last cycle repeats itself, my temp should shoot up tomorrow.

The agonizing wait to ovulation

I have really long cycles and the wait between the end of AF and O is agonizing. It takes weeks and I never know when it is going to happen.

I bought a Fertile-Focus ovulation microscope and that is just getting me discouraged. It does not show ovulation. And I'm using ovulation prediction kits and they are showing that I'm not close to ovulation either. If I go by my last cycle I should be ready to O in 2 days. Now I've got fertile quality cervical fluid but no other signs to match up to it.

It can be that I will get a + OPK this weekend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Oh, yeah, and I did use the Pre-seed once. But since I've gotten EWCM I really haven't needed to keep using it. I liked how it felt. No clue if it helps or not.

So I'll post more later but right now I am definitely feeling that the wait to O is more agonizing than the wait to POAS. :(

Fertile-Focus

Another TTC product that I ordered came in the mail today. This time it is the Fertile-Focus ovulation microscope. It's a saliva test that shows "ferning" at fertile times. I think I bought it more out of curiosity than anything but I'm sure it will prove useful. I have been charting my temps but I'm not doing so well with the CM (or the cervix position either) so it'll be good to have a back-up method to confirm when ovulation is getting close. I love temping but that only shows when I've ovulated...no warning beforehand.

So I'm going to use that starting tomorrow. I'm on my way to becoming completely obsessed. I'll post more later on the ovulation microscope.

My Reading from Cheri22

Here is my baby reading from Cheri22, a baby psychic:

"They show you having two girls and the first one will have a connection to SEPTEMBER so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in.

When it comes to your daughter, they show her as someone who has her hair usually really long, tends to have some sort of a curl to it and I am seeing her usually pulling it back into a braid or a pony tail of some sort. Always trying to pull it away from her face and trying to prevent it from getting tangled and she really does not like spending tons of time on it and making it look nice. She would rather do it and then get on with her day.

Shes always really friendly but you are going to see her as being someone who just wants the truth. She wants to make sure that everything that she does is good and that people are honest with her. She can often see through people being false and will often call them on it. Willing to give them a second chance and tell the truth, otherwise is not someone that she wants to be friends with.

Shes always really good with people, always social and happy. I am seeing her as the type to just want to have a good time and is pretty flexible with what she does and who she hangs around. Shes always the one that is a good friend. You can trust her to do the right thing and is always available if it really comes down to it.

I am seeing her having a bit of a sweet tooth and seems to really enjoy having suckers or gum. Something that shes often doing as a way to try and break a habit of wanting to bite her nails.

I am seeing her as someone who is going to be going into a bit of acting with her high school year and is often a natural performer when it comes to live performances. Often able to memorize her lines without much mistakes. Often able to laugh at the times she gets it wrong, but is more determined than ever to deliver the line perfectly.

When it comes to career paths, they show her working in acting, but I am also seeing her volunteering to help the local shelters as well.

When it comes to marriage I am seeing her closer to 22. They will have two boys of their own."

I hope it comes true! I'd love to have two little girls or one of each or two boys...yeah, I just want to be a mommy!

Pre-Seed

I just got back from vacation this week and it was nice to have something to occupy my mind for awhile. Of course now I'm back and the #1 thing on my mind is TTC. Sigh. I don't want to have a one-track mind but it does feel like that is where I am headed.

I bought some Pre-seed today and plan to use it as I get closer to O. I've read mixed reviews on it but I figured it couldn't hurt (at least I hope not). I did not have any EWCM last month so I thought maybe I need a little help in that department.

I have three cousins due to have babies this summer and many other people I know (friends, acquaintances, other relatives, and coworkers) are pregnant or have infants. I want to be happy for them (and for the most part I am) but inside there is this green little monster (jealousy) and I am so resentful and jealous and sad. I just want to cry thinking about when it will be "my turn."

The good news is my husband seems to finally be on board with this. For awhile he kept groaning every time I brought up the subject. But now he seems hopeful right along with me, which is a wonderful surprise!

Well, 2WW wasn't 2W!

Well, my 2WW is over. I am not pregnant. And my 2WW did not last 2 weeks. It's my first month charting so I'm not going to be discouraged, just taking this as opportunity to learn. I can't help but wonder though if the long FP and the short LP is going to be a pattern or if it was a one-time thing. Well, onto Cycle 2 and bigger and better things!

Addicted to POAS

I'm only 8 DPO but that did not stop me from POAS today and getting a BFN! The website I'm using to track my temps tells me not to test until 7/13 so I'm about 11 days earlier. The 2WW is soooo hard!

If I didn't conceive this cycle I'll be due to get my period on the day we leave for vacation. Great! Just what I need when I have to be in the car for 10 hours. I'm going to be in such a lovely mood that day. ;)

So I've decided to blog our TTC journey.

I used to love writing in a journal but as my life got busier and busier I did it less and less frequently. But I really wanted to record my hopes, dreams, thoughts, and just really keep a record of this exciting (and somewhat overwhelming) time in our lives. So since I almost always have access to a computer and an internet connection I decided to get with the 21st century and start blogging.

I'll share a little background first. My husband and I have been married for over a year and a half and will be celebrating our second anniversary this fall.

I have a condition called PCOS which stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was diagnosed 9 months after our wedding. I am the type of person who does a lot of research on my own and I had been fairly certain I had PCOS but really need a doctor to diagnose me. I found an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who diagnosed me with this. He suggested Clomid, a drug which helps induce ovulation, but my husband was out of work and while I really wanted a baby I didn't feel right forcing the issue at that volatile time in our lives so we waited. He has been working again but I still didn't wasn't quite ready to go on Clomid (my heart was really pointing me to giving a year or so to some more natural remedies) so I visited a naturopath in May and she has really been helping me. She started me on two alternatives, Ovablend and Vitex. I also read Toni Weschler's book "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and I started charting my temperatures and attempting to record my cervical fluid (CF or CM).

Please realize I have nothing against Clomid or any other methods of ART. I feel they are fine and I am not above using them but I really wanted to just take some time to see what my body was doing and what it could achieve before I get all high-tech.

I am currently on my first cycle of charting and I am excited that I ovulated! I had a long LP (luteal phase) and did not ovulate until Day 31 but I feel for having PCOS it's great that I ovulated at all.

PCOS has been quite embarrassing and somewhat traumatic for me. It's basically a hormone disorder and I have almost all of the symptoms it causes: extra weight around the belly that is so hard to lose, facial hair (not too bad but I get a few chin hairs and hairs on my upper lip), thinning scalp hair (no fair we lose hair where we want it and get it in other places!), oily skin and acne, a condition called acanthosis nigricans (dark velvety skin patches), and very irregular periods and anovulatory cycles. Please note these are the symptoms I have and this is not necessarily what other women with PCOS have. The symptoms and combinations of symptoms can vary.

So I've been feeling really ugly from all these PCOS symptoms and then to top it off find that it causes infertility was pretty hard to hear.

So I'm going into this TTC time of my life knowing it might take awhile and just trying to be OK with that and not over-stress and over-analyze everything.

Of course I feel excited that I ovulated and now it's like, "OK, now that I know I ovulated I want to be pregnant. Am I pregnant?" Yes, patience is not a strong virtue of mine...

I'm 7DPO right now and just hoping to keep having high temps!