Monday, December 13, 2010

Bloodwork & maybe Provera, exams and regrets.

I took off from work today to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow for work. I also have off tomorrow, but luckily I don't have to count that as a vacation day as the company gives us the entire day off to take the test, which could take up to three hours. I am working on a designation and there are eight exams total. If I pass tomorrow I'll be halfway done. I'm not feeling very confident as I was a horrible procrastinator and although I allotted myself three months to study I really didn't study much until the past week. I'm feeling full of regret about that now.

While I was sitting on the couch trying to study this morning, I decided to call my RE/doctor's office. Since I started charting my cycles have been 36-42 days and this one is now on day 47 and I never even ovulated and I feel no cramps or any other signs my period is on its way. So I called there and told the receptionist and a nurse called me back within the hour and asked me to come in for bloodwork so they could make sure I wasn't pregnant (ha ha, what a waste of time, but I know they have to do that) and see where I am in my cycle. So I'm going to go over there in the morning, get the bloodwork, come home and review my books a bit more, and then head over to my test which is scheduled for 12:30. This is probably the worst idea I had all year. Am I really going to be able to concentrate on my exam when I'm going to be thinking about having to take Provera? They did not say for sure what they'd do for me but I am guessing that is what it will be. I've never had to take this before and I was really going to wait until 60 days but I'm so impulsive I just decided to do something about it today while I was off. I think part of my reason for calling today is that I hope I can induce AF and get it over with before Christmas, at least the beginning, yucky, crampy part. My nephew (age 8) and my niece (age 6) are coming to stay with us from Christmas night until the Monday or Tuesday after. (My sister and her family live about two hours away so I don't get too many opportunities to have my niece and nephew over. I am lucky I get to see them every 6 weeks or so but it's usually at her house and I have only had them overnight once before.) I want to be able to feel good while they're here so we can have a great time and have this all behind me. Although as I'm writing this I'm realizing I have no clue how long it takes to get AF once it's induced. I'll have to make sure I'm not actually scheduling AF to come on Christmas or while the kids are here!

Also each day I let this go is one more day I don't have a chance to start a new cycle. I really have almost completely given up on the thought of conception happening in my screwed up body without treatment. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It just means I've stopped obsessing (at least for the meantime) and I can wait til May and Clomid or Femara and possible IUI time to start obsessing again. And if I somehow get "knocked up" in the meanwhile, then that's great. It's funny now because my husband is getting more concerned as I get less obsessed. He talks about it a lot and today asked me if I could ask the doctor what my chances were on Clomid alone (he really doesn't want to do the IUI!) and then tonight I caught him online looking up Clomid. It was too funny. I mean, you have to understand that my husband does not have a job right now and is petrified of the responsibility of having to support a child and for the longest time I thought he was going along with this just for me. But now I think he's getting anxious and eager and excited too.

While I was sitting here on the couch today, my mind also started wandering back to this past May when I was originally going to start fertility treatment before I decided to give naturopathy and charting a chance first. I did feel sad thinking that perhaps I could be pregnant right now and looking forward to next year being the year we become parents, had I stayed with Plan A. But I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that there was a reason the thought came into my head to wait. That is not like me. I'm not a patient person. So I just have to trust that waiting was the right thing and came from somewhere outside myself. I know our second year of marriage was way better than the first and the third is now going better than the second (we're only two months in but still...). So maybe it was a chance to strengthen our bond. I also think how if I were pregnant in October we wouldn't have been able to enjoy Walt Disney World in October or how my husband maybe wasn't quite ready yet in May and he seems much more ready now. Whatever the reason I just have to trust that there was a reason and it will all work out.

All right, I must go back to hit the books again. I'm the world's worst procrastinator.

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