Friday, December 31, 2010

I got the "all clear"!

The nurse just called from my RE's office. She said my hormones were fine (estrogen 39 and FSH 4.9 on day 2) so I'm ready to start the letrozole on Saturday. I'll take it five days (Saturday the 1st through Wednesday the 5th) and then I go in for day 12 blood work and ultrasound, which is a Sunday and they gave me an 8:30 appointment! It did not hit me until I hung up how EARLY that is for me. I am a big night owl. Maybe I'll call next week and see if they have anything later but if not, I'll suck it up and go.

I'm kind of in shock. I woke up this morning expecting them to call and say there was some issue and I could not start the Femara. When did I become so negative and hopeless?

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Femara, not Clomid!

So I had my RE consult today with one of the other doctors at the practice (Dr. Cool since Dr. Wonderful couldn't be there). He was very nice and I felt very comfortable with him. He seemed very cool, like he's such a cool guy. Most of my questions he answered while he was talking which is a good sign to me. I hate when the doctor hardly says anything and the only way I can get information is to ask questions. Don't get me wrong, the patient should always ask questions but it's nice when the doctor gives you some basic information first. The one question I forgot to ask is he knew why my left ovary area was hurting so bad. It started shortly after I got my period yesterday and hasn't let up.

Dr. Cool told me that I could take Clomid or Femara and went over the pros and cons to each. Basically the only con I remember for Femara is that I had to sign a form saying I agreed to take it and he said mostly that was due to a (flawed) study that had been done on Femara saying it caused birth defects. He said that Clomid can thin the uterine lining and make cervical mucus thicker, which I knew. He really left it up to me. I decided to go with Femara and my hubby feels I made the right choice. Then the doctor says to me he wants to do some bloodwork and an ultrasound. I was mortified since I had my period and it was a vaginal ultrasound but I figured I need to get used to this! So I had the ultrasound and here my right ovary looks good but my left ovary has a cyst. So maybe that is the cause of my pain. He explained that this ultrasound is a baseline ultrasound so when I come back closer to ovulation he'll know what was already there (like the cyst on my left ovary).

Since my RE's office charges the same amount for a monitored cycle with IUI as they do for a monitored cycle without IUI, we will probably move forward with the IUI as well. He said in almost all cases they do a trigger shot too so I have that to look forward to. He told me that each Femara/IUI cycle has a 15% success rate. That doesn't sound too promising but I'm just going to try to stay even-keeled - hopeful but not too hopeful.

Right now I'm waiting for the call back from them tomorrow regarding my bloodwork results. If everything is fine, I can start the Femara on day 4 (Sunday, 1/1/11 - a great day for a new start!) and take it through day 8. And then the rest I'll figure out as we go.

Sick hubby.

I'm off to the doctor in 45 minutes! Eek!!

And I just had to share this. You know how some men are so dramatic when they're sick? Well, this morning my hubby woke up with vomiting and diarrhea and when I left for work he told me if he doesn't pull through this, he wants me to have all of his things. I almost laughed out loud and then I said, "Well, thanks, but I'm sure you'll be fine." How hilarious is that???

Meanwhile I had the same sickness three days ago, woke up at 4:15 a.m. with it, threw up, and came back to bed sweaty and shivering. I said, "Honey, I threw up," and he rolled over and away from me. He had no sympathy for me and now he wants me to act like he's at death's door. SO FREAKIN' FUNNY!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Cycle day 1!

Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting a new cycle to begin until this weekend at the earliest (Happy New Year to me, right?). Well, Aunt Flo has decided to come visit today! I'm not complaining. I've never been so excited to see her. There is a little wrinkle in the plan though in that I don't see the doctor until the 4th which will be day 7 so I need to call and figure out what to do next because if I'm starting Clomid I'll need to start Saturday or Sunday (day 4 or 5). Oh, my! I'll update later with what I find out when I call (on my lunch break).

About 1 hour & 45 minutes later: Well, it turns out my doctor is on vacation right now and won't be back til the 3rd. So they're going to have me come in tomorrow to see another doctor. I'm very nervous as I've grown comfortable with my usual doctor and don't want to switch but I do not want to sit this cycle so I'll deal with it. I'm sure the other doctor is fine. I am just resistant to change at times. So in 24 hours I'll be at my appointment. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I'm now on day 62 of this horrible seemingly never-ending cycle! I finished up my Provera on Christmas night but I think it was probably after midnight so it was technically the 26th and I've calculated ahead that I should be getting my period by January 9th at the latest. They said 1-2 weeks. Today my doctor's office also called to say that my doctor would like me to come in for a consult regarding Clomid or Femara. So he must remember that he told me a few months ago that Femara was an option. So now I'm not sure which I'm doing but I did call back while we were at a rest area today (we were taking my niece & nephew home and hubby ran in to get me a coffee while I stayed in the car since my niece was sleeping) and I made an appointment for January 4. Since the doctor's office is not even a mile from our house and hubby is still not working, I asked him to meet me there. I'll be coming from work (will have to take an hour or so off - or take an early lunch or whatever). I'm so excited and nervous we're moving forward with the next step! Hubby is excited and nervous too but I think he is less excited and more nervous. I think that is par for the course and am moving past feeling "hurt" by it. We've had lots of talks about it and he knows if he's not ready he can say so and he's no longer saying, "Let's wait, I'm not ready." I think he finally gets that maybe there never is a perfect time to have a baby or that maybe lots of other people experience nervousness as well. This is a huge step; it's only natural.

While our niece and nephew were here, my hubby told me that our niece needed to stop being so cute because she was making him really hope for a daughter someday. He usually doesn't have a preference. I always wanted a girl (I think because the boys I used to baby-sit were so disobedient and wild) and then once I had nephews I fell in love with boys too. I still have a soft spot for girls though. I really don't have much of a preference but I think I 51% want a girl, 49% want a boy. So basically I'll be happy with either (just want to get pregnant!!) and he has never had much of a preference but now seems to be leaning towards wanting a girl. Ha ha - we both know we have absolutely no control over that! I think our niece has just endeared herself to my husband though because she adores him - follows him around, climbs on his lap, peppers him with questions, on and on. He and I actually started dating the weekend after she was born so he's known her since she was very very young and was part of our family as long as she can remember.

We had a great time with both kids here. I won't lie, it was stressful at times. It's hard to clean up after them, make sure they're OK, watch them, discipline them, and still get everything else done but it was fun and I know motherhood will be so worth it! I feel sad now that they're gone.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Dreaming of the Future

I don't know why I let myself go there but every once in awhile I'll log onto Babies R Us or the Land of Nod web site and start dreaming about what nursery set I'd get if I were pregnant. Lately I'm really loving this one for a girl. And for a boy I kind of like this one but I don't love it. I hope by the time I actually get pregnant and am ready for this stuff, they'll have a design I love - or maybe this one will have grown on me. This one is also kind of cute. To make matters worse, I often think it might be nice to be surprised by the gender which would mean I'd have to go with a neutral set. However, they usually wind up looking more boyish to me though.

I always remember my mom saying how much easier it was to find cute girl stuff than cute boy stuff and I know what she means. I don't mean (and she did not mean) that boys are not as cute as girls but it seems like there is so much more variety for girls with clothing and decor than there is for boys. I will be happy to have either. I used to always prefer girls but my nephews have made me adore boys as well. They are ages 8 and 2. The 8-year-old is actually here snug as a bug in my house right now with his 6-year-old sister. He is a great kid and I love him. He is the one who made me an aunt. :) And his little 2-year-old brother I could just hug and squeeze all day. He is so stinking adorable with his floppy blond hair and blue eyes. I thank God for these kids because even though I don't have any of my own I get to have children in my life and they're awesome.

And [drumroll please] tonight is my last Provera pill so I should be expecting my period in a week or two and can be taking Clomid sometime in January. I am so excited - but also trying not to get my hopes up too much that I'll even ovulate!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to anyone who might be reading this! I love Christmas. I am like a little kid at this time of year, full of excitement. I'm sitting here in my living room, glancing at our gorgeous tree, the most beautiful tree I've ever had. We drove about 20-30 minutes up the road, way out into the country, and got it from a tree farm. It was a freezing cold day so I did not take the time to look at too many trees. We saw one we liked and I said, "Let's get it." It was way more money than I'd ever imagined spending on a tree but I'm so glad we did it. I've gotten three weeks of enjoyment out of it already and we hope to keep it up another week or two.

We spent last night with my husband's family, the Italian side, and went to his aunt's for the traditional "seven fishes" Christmas Eve dinner. There may have been more than seven "fishes." There was shrimp cocktail, breaded shrimp, calamari, crab cakes, baccala, and I cannot remember what else. Usually there are also flounder and lobster but his aunt forgot to take the flounder out of the freezer and she did not buy lobster this year. In addition to all the seafood, there was salad, potato salad, mozzarella, another kind of cheese, chicken cutlet (for my cousins who don't like seafood), macaroni and cheese (again, for the little cousins who don't like seafood), and I can't remember what else, but I can't forget the homemade wine (hubby had several glasses of that!). Then for dessert, there are Italian cookies, panettone, panforte, espresso, (American) coffee, and more alcohol, grappa, limoncello, sambuca, etc. We had a great time. I love my husband's extended family. His father passed away 14, almost 15, years ago, and these are his relatives. My husband's mother and brother did not come to Christmas Eve.

Today we are headed to my parents' house where we'll get to be with most of my siblings and my adorable nephews and niece. We are bringing my 8-year-old nephew and 6-year-old niece back to our house at the end of the day and they'll be staying overnight with us for two nights. I'm so excited. I love these kids. We might get snow tonight and tomorrow so if so we'll just hang out and watch movies but if not, we have a fun-filled day planned for tomorrow. So we're just playing it by ear.

I'm so glad that I'm able to stay excited and happy during this time even when my heart is aching for a baby. I truly hope this is my last Christmas where I'm not a mom or a mom-to-be. I really hope the treatments work for us next year. It's going to be so difficult with BOTH of our best friends having babies next year.


Monday, December 20, 2010

A failure & a plan.

You know that exam I was talking about last week? Well, I did not pass! I am not shocked - but it still hurt. I was always the girl who passed everything. Oh, well, combine stress and uninteresting material and the world's worst procrastinator (me) and that was the result!

My husband and I talked before bed last night and we're going to move ahead with a "trial run" of Clomid (and probably Pre-seed and Robitussin as well) as soon as my period shows up and I can get into the doctor. I woke up excited after my awful evening last night and ready for the next step. I say a trial run because I do not plan to do Clomid February through April even if I'm not successful in January. I will resume in May if need be. (And yes, I'm being realistic and do not have any high expectations that I'll get my BFP on the first round. I'm curious to see if I ovulate though and if I got a BFP, I'd be so excited.)

So that's all for now. I must get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm very tired. Later, friends.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Bombarded with new baby news & pregnancy news!

The Provera is going well so far. The first night I swear it made me feel really hot, like hot flashes. But that may have been a coincidence. Every night since then has been fine. I take it right before bed. I took it five nights so far. Tonight will be the sixth and Christmas Day will be my last.

My sister had three friends, yes, three friends, who have babies three days in a row, the 16th to the 18th. Wow. My best friend is pregnant, my other good friend was pregnant but miscarried last month, and now my husband's best friend's wife is pregnant. She starts her second trimester this week and they just called tonight to tell us. I'm very excited for them...and to be honest a little sad for me. They were trying for awhile and had even done fertility treatments (IUI and IVF) all to no avail. This was a surprise BFP for them. It gives me hope but always leaves me feeling left behind and left out. Poor hubby says to me after he hangs up with his friend, "Are you happy for them or are you going to cry?" Through tears I say, "I'm happy for them." Wow, what mixed emotions.

And I promise the above statements have nothing to do with what I'm going to say next. I've been thinking it for most of last week and just haven't blogged about it yet. But once AF starts after this Provera regimen I've been really thinking about giving Clomid (yes, big bad Clomid I've been so afraid to try) a "trial run." I know, I have all my good reasons for waiting til May but I guess I just want to do something right now. My plan for the moment is to do just one month and if not pregnant, I'll wait til May to resume. I don't think this plan makes any sense. And I'm not sure how easy it'll be to take Clomid one month and then just go back to nothing for a few. Am I crazy? Do you girls think I should start the Clomid in January (or whenever a new cycle begins for me)?

Thanks for your opinions!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


So I went in for my bloodwork today and they called to say my hCG was 0 (no kidding) and my estrogen was 62.7 (no clue what the means). They did not say progesterone. So they are calling in a prescription for Provera which I can start and they said I can expect my period in 1-2 weeks. I'm so dreading taking this. But what other choice do I have?

I also took my exam today and it was horrible. I was not at all prepared. It could take up to a month to get my grade but in the past I've gotten my grades in as little as 2-3 days so it should be sooner than a month.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Bloodwork & maybe Provera, exams and regrets.

I took off from work today to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow for work. I also have off tomorrow, but luckily I don't have to count that as a vacation day as the company gives us the entire day off to take the test, which could take up to three hours. I am working on a designation and there are eight exams total. If I pass tomorrow I'll be halfway done. I'm not feeling very confident as I was a horrible procrastinator and although I allotted myself three months to study I really didn't study much until the past week. I'm feeling full of regret about that now.

While I was sitting on the couch trying to study this morning, I decided to call my RE/doctor's office. Since I started charting my cycles have been 36-42 days and this one is now on day 47 and I never even ovulated and I feel no cramps or any other signs my period is on its way. So I called there and told the receptionist and a nurse called me back within the hour and asked me to come in for bloodwork so they could make sure I wasn't pregnant (ha ha, what a waste of time, but I know they have to do that) and see where I am in my cycle. So I'm going to go over there in the morning, get the bloodwork, come home and review my books a bit more, and then head over to my test which is scheduled for 12:30. This is probably the worst idea I had all year. Am I really going to be able to concentrate on my exam when I'm going to be thinking about having to take Provera? They did not say for sure what they'd do for me but I am guessing that is what it will be. I've never had to take this before and I was really going to wait until 60 days but I'm so impulsive I just decided to do something about it today while I was off. I think part of my reason for calling today is that I hope I can induce AF and get it over with before Christmas, at least the beginning, yucky, crampy part. My nephew (age 8) and my niece (age 6) are coming to stay with us from Christmas night until the Monday or Tuesday after. (My sister and her family live about two hours away so I don't get too many opportunities to have my niece and nephew over. I am lucky I get to see them every 6 weeks or so but it's usually at her house and I have only had them overnight once before.) I want to be able to feel good while they're here so we can have a great time and have this all behind me. Although as I'm writing this I'm realizing I have no clue how long it takes to get AF once it's induced. I'll have to make sure I'm not actually scheduling AF to come on Christmas or while the kids are here!

Also each day I let this go is one more day I don't have a chance to start a new cycle. I really have almost completely given up on the thought of conception happening in my screwed up body without treatment. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It just means I've stopped obsessing (at least for the meantime) and I can wait til May and Clomid or Femara and possible IUI time to start obsessing again. And if I somehow get "knocked up" in the meanwhile, then that's great. It's funny now because my husband is getting more concerned as I get less obsessed. He talks about it a lot and today asked me if I could ask the doctor what my chances were on Clomid alone (he really doesn't want to do the IUI!) and then tonight I caught him online looking up Clomid. It was too funny. I mean, you have to understand that my husband does not have a job right now and is petrified of the responsibility of having to support a child and for the longest time I thought he was going along with this just for me. But now I think he's getting anxious and eager and excited too.

While I was sitting here on the couch today, my mind also started wandering back to this past May when I was originally going to start fertility treatment before I decided to give naturopathy and charting a chance first. I did feel sad thinking that perhaps I could be pregnant right now and looking forward to next year being the year we become parents, had I stayed with Plan A. But I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that there was a reason the thought came into my head to wait. That is not like me. I'm not a patient person. So I just have to trust that waiting was the right thing and came from somewhere outside myself. I know our second year of marriage was way better than the first and the third is now going better than the second (we're only two months in but still...). So maybe it was a chance to strengthen our bond. I also think how if I were pregnant in October we wouldn't have been able to enjoy Walt Disney World in October or how my husband maybe wasn't quite ready yet in May and he seems much more ready now. Whatever the reason I just have to trust that there was a reason and it will all work out.

All right, I must go back to hit the books again. I'm the world's worst procrastinator.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I think I'm going to be bald soon.

My office had its holiday party tonight and I decided to straighten my hair for the occasion. Generally my hair has a good bit of natural curl to it and I just wear it curly. It's easier and it helps make it look thicker. But every once in awhile I want it to be straight so today I used a blow dryer to make it straight and then I used the flat iron on it and I was shocked it actually stayed straight all day. But my heart is breaking because I swear I can see bald spots on my scalp. My hair has been falling out really badly lately. I was using Rogaine but decided to give that up because of TTC but I'm getting desperate. I highly doubt it's safe to use while TTC. I used to have pretty good luck with a line of hair care products called Nioxin but lately that doesn't even seem to be helping. I'm becoming distraught. When I was a young girl and teenager I never, ever thought I'd have a problem with thinning hair on the top of my scalp. I had such thick (long) hair it would actually give me headaches. Now I'm to the point where I can see bald spots. It makes me so sad. I did ask my doc what I could do and all he could suggest was find a different way to comb my hair! I need some better answers than that so I'm going to do some research. I keep trying to console myself and think I can wear a wig if it gets too bad but that's really not much consolation!

In other news I think part of me has given up on TTC without fertility drugs. I've stopped taking almost all my supplements, stopped checking secondary fertility signs (CM & CP), stopped POAS (OPKs), etc. I thought I'd keep temping but I haven't even taken my temp the past few days. I guess I don't see the point as I'm on day 45 or whatever of this cycle and I know I'm not going to ovulate now. I'm to the point where I need to call my doctor and get Provera or whatever he recommends to bring this cycle to an end. I'm debating whether to call Monday or wait til after Christmas. I know I don't want it to go much more than 60 days. I just don't really have time right now to worry about that. I'm taking an exam on Tuesday and need to really study tomorrow and Monday and concentrate on that. It's always something!

So as far as my baby dreams, I have not given up on being a mom. I know compared to others I haven't been trying that long but it's really frustrating to chart seven months and only ovulate twice (bad ovulations at that on day 31)! So my husband and I have been really talking about our next steps. IUI or not IUI? If we don't do it right away, how many cycles do we want to try with meds only before moving on to IUI? Right now we're talking trying two without IUI (just Clomid or Femara) and then moving on from there if need be. We'll see. So that's all for tonight.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Words failed me.

So on Sunday my husband and I went to visit my cousin and his wife. They have 16-year-old twins and my cousin himself is a twin. My uncle and his wife, my aunt, also live with them. We're sitting around the table and my aunt says, "So are you two having any kids?" (Never mind she asked me this question last year around the holidays and I told her then that we were seeing what happened.) I answer this time, "We want them," and she makes a face and says, "You're crazy." Then my husband says, "Well, I really want to have a job first." And I'm thinking, "Wait, he does know we're trying right?" I mean, I really couldn't tell if he was just saying anything to throw her off, or if he really thinks we're waiting til he has a job. So then my aunt tells me how when she found out she was having twins she was so upset, and then when she found out she was pregnant not long after (with her daughter) she would have crossed the line if there was a line back then to cross. She said that's how upset she was that she was pregnant. Her son (one of the twins) basically said if you play, you pay, and he laughed about it. I was pretty stunned though. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to say, "It's funny how easy it is for some," but I really couldn't speak. Here she is alluding to the fact that she would have gotten an abortion if she could have right in front of one of her children. It was very odd to me. Once again I'm struck by how crazy the world is, how wildly unfair that there is such a thing as unwanted children for some and how others like me are aching for a baby and struggling to conceive. Crazy. But it's late, and I'm tired, and that's all I have for now but needed to share while it was on my mind.