It's official!

My hubby and I stopped at the pharmacy last night where I bought a two-pack of Clearblue digital pregnancy tests, the ones that don't have lines but "pregnant or "not pregnant." He was more apt to believe that and even more so if heard from the doctor.

I took the CB test and it said "Pregnant"! I called my doctor's office and told them I had two positive tests and they said I could come in today. So I went in and got the blood test done. First they told me they were looking for the number to be 100 but then they saw I was "early." The nurses couldn't believe I even got a positive test already and wanted to know which brand I used. I actually used both.

They called back later and said my numbers were 21 and that was positive but they wanted to see it at 100 but it was OK mine was lower since it's early yet. I'm going back to be retested 48 hours after the first one.

In the meanwhile I get to gaze at these two beauties. My hubby got a nice clear picture for me.

It still hasn't sunk in yet. I suppose it'll take awhile for me to "feel" pregnant. Right now I feel perfectly normal except my breasts are tender (but not really any more so than they'd be before my period) and I have cystic acne. I look like a teenager! It's awful, awful acne and I hope it clears up soon. But it's all for a good cause. I hope my little bean sticks and I get to meet him or her in November! I feel confident it's a boy and my hubby is insisting it's a girl. The funny thing I truly don't care and for years I thought I'd want a girl. Now that I'm actually pregnant I just do not care. I'm so excited at the thought of meeting and holding and caring for this baby.

I never thought I'd get to say these words...I AM PREGNANT!!

I took a test two days ago, ten days past ovulation, and it was negative. Lots of people told me it was early yet and I knew that but in my head I just knew I wasn't pregnant. Well, much to my surprise this morning, the First Response Early Result came up with a second line!



I haven't even told my husband yet. It hasn't quite sunk in yet! I am not sure if I want to tell him by just spilling it or with the idea I had months ago - to buy a little baby shirt from the MLB team we love and wrap it for him with a note (not exactly sure what the note will say but it will be addressed to Daddy and signed by the baby).

Trigger shot is out of my system.

The trigger shot is out of my system as of today, 7 days past trigger, which means my HPT was negative today. It was technically about 6.5 days past and it could have even been sooner but I hadn't tested since 2 or 3 days ago. I tested this morning and there wasn't even a smidgen of color on the test line.

I really feel as if today, as the last day I got a positive from the trigger, is the last time I'm seeing a positive for a long time. I'm not sure if I'm being negative or realistic but I really don't feel pregnant and while I'm still hoping and praying I am, I don't think that I am and am trying to prepare myself for that.

My test at the doctor's office is a week from tomorrow morning. I really don't want to go because that could be the end of any hope. I'm thinking I'll probably test on an HPT before I even go there just so I'm not sitting on pins and needles all day waiting for the blood test results. (At least, I'm assuming it will be a blood test.)

First (and only?) IUI!

I slept so poorly last night! I am coming down with another cold I think, as I've had a horrible cough since Monday night. I was just sick five weeks ago so of course this feels too soon to have caught another cold. Plus I was so worried we'd oversleep that I did not sleep well. I was up almost every hour I think. Ugh.

This morning I had to satisfy my POAS urges and as soon as I woke up I did a pregnancy test and an ovulation test. The pregnancy test was faint and the ovulation test was very dark. I had a box of Clearblue Easy digitals (with the smiley face indicating LH surge) in the linen closet so I decided to use one of those too just so I could get a smiley face for once! It came up positive too. I wonder if this is as dark as the pregnancy tests will get before they go negative again. I guess I'll find out in the next few days.

Then after my shower I had to get my hubby up so we could get ready to go to our IUI. He had to produce a sample within an hour of our arrival and we were due to arrive at 8:00 a.m. He was ready in that regard by 7:32 but still had to shower and I still had to dry my hair and put on my makeup and get dressed. We wound up not leaving the house til 8:02. I was freaking out. We arrived at 8:07 and they took his sample but didn't call us back for about a half hour. The nurse asked if we'd ever done this before and we told her no and she said she hoped this was our only time and she explained the procedure and also explained that the doctor prescribed Endometrin (progesterone suppository) for me that I'll take for two weeks. She gave me the prescription and a starter kit. Then the doctor came in. The IUI was over pretty quickly. He told me it was his easiest one this week and he told my hubby that his "boys were beautiful."

I know this has only a 15% chance of working but I am hopeful anyway. I'm trying to stay balanced. There are moments where I think there is no way it will work. And other moments where I'm so hopeful. I pray this actually works but that if it doesn't, I can handle it OK and not become an emotional wreck.

POAS addict!

I took an Answer OPK to work today. I was so desperate to see a positive OPK. It had been months and months (5 or 6?). Well, the darn test must have been defective because the control line never even showed up.

So a few hours later I was home and did an OPK and an HPT. I think both of them were positive. How funny is that? The OPK was very obviously positive. Hallelujah. And I'm not sure on the HPT. I think it was very faintly positive so that will be my day 1 of "testing out my trigger." Since the Ovidrel trigger shot makes HPTs positive and it varies for each person how long it takes for the trigger to be out of the system many women "test out the trigger" and since I just love POAS I decided to do that. So I'll test every day or every other day until I get a negative. And then if...when...if I get a positive I'll know it's real and not left over from the trigger! My doctor did not tell me to do that but I want to know.

See how purty a positive is??

Happy Valentine's Day, a day of good news for us!

We went back to the RE's office this morning, where the nurse was able to get blood on the first try. Whew. Then during the ultrasound the doctor told me I had large follicles on both ovaries. One of them was measuring about 19x22! (I still think one of them is a cyst but whatever.) So he told me to do the Ovidrel trigger tonight and schedule insemination for Wednesday morning. After last month's abysmal failure I never thought I'd get to this point. I was grinning from ear to ear when I walked out of that office.

My hubby made a lovely lobster dinner for Valentine's Day. For the last few years we haven't made a big deal out of the holiday and this year was no different. We just had a quiet dinner at home and exchanged cards and hubby gave me my Ovidrel shot which was anti-climatic. It was way easier than I thought it would be. The needle was small and thin and I barely felt it going in. I hope it does what it's supposed to do.

Day 15 update!

I have been so anxious about this day since Thursday now. I have been feeling some major stuff going on in the ovary region the past few days and started panicking that I'd ovulate before I have a chance to get the IUI.

I slept poorly last night. I did not want a repeat of the last time we had to ride to the RE's only location open on the weekends (which is about 30 minutes away). Last time we overslept so this time I kept waking up and falling back asleep when I saw it was still hours away. Finally I just got up at 7:40, took my temp, and got my shower. My appointment wasn't til 9:45 a.m. but I was so anxious and nervous I decided to just stay up.

I had even more issues with the blood draw. I had a nurse I never met before who tried both arms and got nothing but sure had fun wiggling the needle around in there. I'm going to be covered in bruises since I still have bruises left over from Thursday, day 12. She got another nurse to step in who finally got some from my right hand. She told me the same thing the nurse told me on day 4, that they should just get it from my hand. She feels it hurts more from the hand (and I'm inclined to agree) but she taught me a trick to exhale right as the needle goes in and it doesn't hurt nearly as much. But last time (day 12) I did tell them to go for the hands and that nurse did BOTH hands and got NO blood and finally another nurse was successful with the arm. So last time and this time I walked out with three bandaged sites. This is getting to be so stressful. I start panicking that they are getting no blood, not to mention it's very uncomfortable with them digging the needles around in my arm hunting for a juicy vein.

Then I was taken back to an ultrasound room and I met the last doctor in the practice. He was really super nice and he made me feel comfortable, was even joking with us and he made me laugh. I'm going to call him Dr. Jovial for now. He is the doctor our friends did not like so I was nervous to meet him but we really liked him. Of course, he is not in charge of our case and we don't have to worry that he will time our IUIs wrong (like they feel he did to theirs) and all I was doing was getting an ultrasound with him. He said my lining looked good at 9 mm. My right ovary now has a follicle that is 16x18 with a mean of 17 mm. And on the left I think he was looking at my cyst but said there was a follicle that was 19 mm. I'm pretty sure that was the cyst but the one on the right is still growing nicely. He said that I might be ready to trigger tonight! I had to wait for blood work results though.

My husband and I went and killed some time in a Starbucks and then went to lunch at a place my hubby wanted to try near the doctor's office. The nurse called while we were eating and said my estrogen is now 130 (wow!), progesterone is 0.2, and LH is 7.5. They want me back in tomorrow ("No!" my veins scream in terror!) for more blood work and an ultrasound, which now pushes my Ovidrel back to tomorrow night at the earliest with an IUI for Wednesday morning at the earliest. DH is excited because he read an article on Time magazine's web site that babies conceived on the 18th of this month will have a due date of 11/11/11 and he thinks that is cool. I think it is cool too but I can't put any more pressure on myself. :) I know that less than 5% of babies are born on their due dates anyway so if I manage to ovulate and conceive this week I'd have as good a chance of having an 11/11/11 baby no matter which day it is. But I have to remember just ovulating will be a good thing since I haven't since early September.

Second Femara cycle - Day 12 results.

Today was my day 12 appointment with the RE for my second cycle of Femara.

When I was there on day 4, the nurse told me, after taking several stabs at getting blood from my inner elbow, to say from now on they should just take the blood from my hand. So today I told the nurse (a different one) to take the blood from my hand. She tried my right hand. No blood. She tried my left hand. No blood. She was starting to sweat literally. I could tell how frustrated she was and I felt like a human pincushion! So they decided to go ahead with my ultrasound. I drank two glasses of water while waiting for the doctor and then when I was done I was able to get blood drawn - from my inner elbow - by a different nurse. After all that!! Ha ha.

Dr. Wonderful wasn't there today but Dr. Cool was. He said that my lining was still thin but my right ovary had a lead follicle that was 14 mm. The nurse said it was 15x13. He said it should be ready in a few days. I had to wait for my blood results though before I knew for sure what they were doing.

So the nurse just called about an hour ago. I was in a meeting so I couldn't take her call but she left a message saying they want me back on Sunday for more blood work and an ultrasound and she promises she won't be drawing my blood. Ha ha. Estrogen is at 55 and LH is at 10.

I don't often post twice in one day but...

...I really needed to vent and didn't have the guts to say what I'm thinking to anyone's face.

First off, we went to our friends' for the Super Bowl. This is my husband's good friend and his wife. They were the ones I wrote about awhile ago who were going through fertility treatments and then got pregnant while on a break from the treatments. I wrote how I cried and was happy at the same time when I found out. Well, tonight I am realizing it's going to be harder and harder to be around her. Her husband has a bunch of baseball tickets and he asked my husband to go with him one night in June because his wife is due in June and doesn't want to go (understandable). So then he asked if I could do him a favor and while he is at the game with my husband if I could stay with his wife in case she goes into labor. So basically I'll be baby-sitting the pregnant lady.

Then I come home from there and log onto Facebook and an acquaintance of mine wrote "Feeling a bit blue. Sometimes it's really hard being a mom." And I get that. I really do. But I wanted so badly to comment (but would never have the guts), "Sometimes it's really hard not being a mom when it seems every woman around me is a mom or will soon be a mom." Aarrgghh. Then another acquaintance is using a new app called Little One Pregnancy Calendar. That came up in my News Feed. On days like this I wonder why I have a Facebook page. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment!

I just needed to vent and get this out. I hate being this jealous person. I wonder when it will be my turn. I turn 32 this month and I guess it is really getting to me that I'm not even pregnant yet.

This too shall pass. I must keep reminding myself.

Second Femara cycle update

I can't believe I'm on day 8 already of this cycle, which means tonight will be the last night I take Femara! I did something that had me in sort of a panic. I started the Femara on Wednesday (day 4) and took it before bed. Thursday we had no power (ongoing problem here since October - but that's another story) and I also was picking up my "new" car that day. So it was hectic evening because when we got to the car dealer my hubby went over it with a fine-toothed comb and then they eventually had to rewash it because it was kind of dirty and it was hard to see if there were scrapes or scratches and they guarantee none. It is a used car place that sells late models with low mileage in good condition. We got out of there after 8:00 p.m. Then because we had no power (and everything in our house is electric including the heat and the stove/oven) we had to go get something for dinner. We came home and still had no power and called the electric company again (hubby had called earlier) and they said they'd send someone out so we waited and waited. It was freezing in our house. But they never came. I finally got tired of waiting and went up to bed and totally crashed. I never took my Femara (day 5, day 2 of Femara) so I took it in the morning when I remembered. Then I was petrified that I screwed up the cycle. I decided to just keep taking it at night so technically I took it twice on day 6 and not at all on day 5.

I posted on SoulCysters about it (yay! SC is back!) and several women pointed out to me that I DID respond to 2.5 mg of Femara but just not well enough (and they also said since I took my missed dose within 24 hours I should be OK). So that made me feel better. All this time I'm thinking 12 mm means I did not respond. So I'm back to thinking positively! I did respond and now having twice the Femara might make me respond a bit better. I hope I get to the point of Ovidrel and IUI this time! I want to get something out of this cycle!

Will 5 mg of Femara do the trick? Fingers are crossed!

I'm on day 4 of my second cycle with the RE. I had an 8:00 appointment today for baseline ultrasound and blood work. We were expecting some really icy weather conditions today. I woke up around 6:30 and called the inclement weather line for my work and heard we were opening at 10:00, which told me it must be pretty bad outside. So I went back to sleep for a bit and then called the RE's office after 7:00 and asked if I could come in at 9:00 instead. I figured with the ice they'd have a lot of cancellations and I was right so they were able to fit me right in. I wasn't too worried about getting there since it's only a mile away.

Before I left the house the phone rang and it was my manager calling to say our office had no power due to a blown transformer so no one was to report to work today. Yippee! She told me to get back to work on my other project - going back to bed and making a baby with my husband. LOL. My boss and I are very friendly. I guess it could get weird sometimes but so far it's worked for us. I've been working for her since August 2004, first at another company and then she switched in 2007 and a year later offered me a position at her new company and I've been there since 2008. So I know her pretty well. She knows we want a baby and knows a little bit about my PCOS but I haven't told her we've been doing treatments. We haven't told ANYONE IRL (only my Internet buddies know as I can talk with some modicum of privacy). People know I want a baby and know I have PCOS (although that's not even that many people) but they don't know that we are currently seeing a doctor or that I took Femara.

So I was excited to have an unexpected and "free" day off work. We left for the RE's office right after that and oh, my God, our sidewalk and driveway were a sheet of ice. I walked like an old grandma to the car taking little baby steps. Driving was easier than walking though. I guess the roads were treated. We got to the clinic and I had blood work done. And then I went back to see the doctor in one of the ultrasound rooms. He said I had a "lovely uterus." Aww, how sweet! I left there though without a prescription and Dr. Wonderful said he'd go over my file with Dr. Cool and I'd hear back this afternoon. I was also surprised as he asked how we were handling the emotional aspects of last cycle. I told him the whole month sucked for me and explained about the accident and my vehicle being totaled and my neck hurting and said that in a way I really hadn't had much time to dwell on it! He was very sympathetic. The nurse called just a bit ago to say they were calling in 5 mg of Femara for me. I'm so scared it won't work and really wish they'd given me 7.5. We only have money for four cycles (@ $900 each) set aside in the flexible spending account for 2011. I've already "wasted" $900 on a cycle where I don't even ovulate. I cannot afford not to ovulate again.

Yesterday cold turkey I decided I wasn't going to eat sugar this cycle (well, from that point forward which was day 3). I ate no sugar yesterday. Today I had a little but I'm not having any more! I know how bad the refined carbohydrates are for PCOS. Unfortunately, they seem to be in so many food items and also the things I want to grab when I have a craving or am in a hurry, etc. I'm curious to see if it will make a difference starting this late in the game.

I also started physical therapy yesterday for my neck. I went to the same physical therapy location I went to last year after I had shoulder and bicep surgery in January 2010. As soon as I got there I saw the woman that worked with me last year. She, the therapist, is a few years younger than I am and we got married a few months apart so when I was there last time we were both talking about our weddings and all. I mentioned how we had a medium sized wedding but kept it affordable so that when we got home from our honeymoon we had already paid it off. She laughed and told me how she put her whole wedding on credit cards and at one point she told me how she and her husband go out to eat all the time and pay for it with her student loans. (At that point she was still a physical therapy student but was about to graduate.) I remember thinking how irresponsible that was, not that I'm better than she is - but with a kind of, "Wow, how do people just not care? I'd be freaking out!" attitude about it. So I go back yesterday and she is assigned to my case, as she is now employed there and no longer a student. I thought she looked like she had a bit of a belly on her and I thought, "No, it can't be." So we were chatting and I asked her how she was doing and she said, "Pregnant!" I think I controlled my facial expression very well but I have to admit the green-eyed monster of jealousy wanted to come out. She told me she is due in late spring with a girl. I politely said congratulations but it was so hard to get through the session. It's so hard to explain how I feel but mostly I just felt jealous and as if life is just so unfair! How could someone so irresponsible get a baby and I don't? I know...I know it doesn't work that way. But for yesterday I just needed to be sad. As soon as I walked out, I started crying. And then I got home and told my hubby and of course, he doesn't get it.

Oh, well, I'd better get off to the pharmacy to pick up my Femara. Please, please, please work! I can't handle another disappointment.