Good news for the future!

I think I mentioned awhile back that hubby had a semen analysis in September that we were told would have to be paid out of pocket since our RE doesn't get reimbursed by the insurance company. So he forked over the $100. But I kept wondering, "Why can't he be reimbursed? The first one was covered." It made no sense to me. So I called the insurance company, asked if I could submit it myself, was told no since my provider is in network and they urged me to have the doctor's office submit it. So I called them and asked them to do it. The woman I talked to kept saying it wouldn't be covered but I asked her to submit it anyway because the insurer would not allow me to submit it myself.

Anyway, a month or so went by and I never heard so I called today and spoke to another woman named Joy and her name really fit! She offered to submit it but then looked in my file and said it was already submitted and it looks like it was paid so she'll be returning the $100!

I also asked her to explain what's needed in an IUI cycle and how much it costs. My job is having open enrollment right now and I want to set some money aside for IUI next year. I already know the IUI itself was $350 from a previous call but was not sure how much the bloodwork and ultrasounds and doctor's visits cost. So she said they had a package for patients without coverage and it is $900 per month. I think that sounds like a fair price. A friend of mine is going to another clinic in our area and they charge $1500 for an IUI cycle. My doctor is highly regarded in our area too so I know this isn't like a bargain basement price.

Joy really made my day. She was sooo nice and explained everything and didn't have this tone to her voice that I was being a real pain in the butt.

So does $900/cycle sound good to you?

I hope hubby has a job by the spring! He said we can't do IUI til he gets a job. :( I know that makes a lot of sense. But I'm still socking away any money I can for that purpose.

Sometimes I wonder though if IUI is even necessary. The doctor recommended it even though hubby's semen analysis had great results. He said it cuts down on the sperm's journey by half and deposits it closer to where it needs to be, which I understand. I am not sure it's warranted but then I think why not give the medicated cycles a little extra "oomph"? I would be using this in conjunction with Femara or Clomd and possibly Ovidrel.

Feeling down on this holiday weekend...

I'm feeling pretty down today. I'm mostly annoyed at my ovaries for not working correctly. I really had it in my head that I was in some sort of lame pattern, ovulating every other cycle and on day 31. It is now day 30 and all my OPKs up until now have been negative. I'm ready to forget my stupid list and not walk, but RUN, to the RE for Clomid or Femara. My patience is already wearing thin. I'm full of "It's not fair!" thoughts.

I know I have SO MUCH to be thankful for - but honestly, right now I just am having a hard time focusing on it. Thanksgiving was a big letdown this year. I did not get to see my adorable niece and nephews and was only with one sibling (out of six of us). It just felt like something was really lacking on top of all my TTC issues. I kept having visions of being pregnant by the holidays and announcing my big news at this lovely time of year. I'm disgusted, sad, angry, disappointed, and more.

On Wednesday I left a message for a local fertility clinic (not the one I go to) which is doing a clinical study for PCOS women and 3 months' free Medifast food is provided. I'm a little sketchy on the details so I left a message for the nurse coordinator. I hope she calls me back on Monday and if it works out maybe I can focus on losing some weight. I'm really grasping at straws here by going on some commercial weight loss program. I know they only temporarily work for me and then I regain all the weight I lost and more but I feel pretty stuck right now.

Disney Pixar Up...just watched it! :( Sad, sad, sad.

Oh, my word, I just watched the Disney Pixar film Up with the hubby. How far behind am I? If you are like me and just hadn't gotten around to seeing it yet but want to, please be warned this contains a SPOILER!

So we're just watching this cute little kid movie and the characters Carl & Ellie are lying there in the grass watching the clouds become images and they see one baby and then they see LOTS of babies. And then they are painting a nursery. Awww. So cute. But I'm feeling a tiny bit jealous of these animated characters, thinking the next scene is going to show her with a growing belly. But no, it's sad. And they are in a doctor's office. And then there are never any babies. And they grow old and gray. Hubby says, "Aww, just like us." I'm sitting here all teary-eyed in a children's movie!! Thanks, Disney.

Circle + Bloom update and last acupuncture appointment for 2010

So far I really like the Circle + Bloom program. I chose the PCOS/infertility one. If nothing else, it is really helping me to relax. The first night I listened (Sunday night) it relaxed me so much I was able to fall right asleep afterward (which was fine since I was already in bed and ready for sleep). Yesterday I took it to acupuncture with me and one track was just the right length to listen to while I let the needles do their thing. I did feel very very relaxed, which was helpful because in my past sessions I had a somewhat difficult time staying still while the needles were in. I'm a very fidgety person by nature so anything requiring lying still and doing nothing is not going to be my forte. So Circle + Bloom helped.

I also had to tell my acupuncturist last night that I could not come back this year. I'm very much a "people pleaser" so it was hard to tell her but when she asked if I'd like to schedule I told her I just couldn't until January. This is due to my insurance pays nothing towards acupuncture and my FSA is pretty much drained for 2010. She was fine with it and very understanding and we scheduled for January. So that is a weight off my shoulders. I am not sure how much good acupuncture did me anyway. I've been going three months and ovulated once, then had an anovulatory cycle, and the jury is still out on this cycle.

I will sign off this post by saying HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all of you! I hope you have a wonderful day full of things for which to be grateful!

Yep, I'm just crazy!

Those two high temps in a row that looked as if they might have meant ovulation had occurred were just a fluke I guess. Temp plummeted again today. It was like there were two voices in my head as I stared at my thermometer, which showed 97.03. One was saying (to the thermometer), "No, no fair! You were supposed to be high today, like at least 97.5 high!" And the other is saying, "Idiot, you knew this was going to happen! Why did you even get your hopes up?" Oh, well, I'll give it til this weekend and see what happens before I totally discount myself from this cycle.

I'm off to my acupuncture appointment tonight. I never did cancel or reschedule it and I'm scrambling trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with the $90 with all the Christmas shopping I'll be doing later this week. I hope I'm able to be honest today and tell her that after today I cannot come until the new year (when I'll have fresh untapped funds in my FSA that I can designate to acupuncture).

You know you're getting obsessed when...

...you miss hearing your alarm in the morning (when it's time to temp your BBT) but then proceed to have multiple dreams about taking your temp, leading you into a false sensation that you could continue to sleeping because you already took the temp.

I think I was crazier than normal today because yesterday I had a much higher temp that had me thinking, "Did I ovulate? Or did I not?" all day. So by the time I actually woke up and realized I did not take my temp yet today it was an hour and forty-five minutes after I'm supposed to take it. And it was higher than it has been all cycle (although not as high as yesterday), but who can tell if that is due to actual ovulation or just because I woke up late? Aarrgghh. I'm so obsessed. I can't wait for the day I don't need to temp anymore or I can pee without thinking, "Do I need to collect this in a cup?"

Circle + Bloom

After thinking about it for a few weeks (maybe even months) I just purchased & downloaded Circle + Bloom's program for PCOS/infertility. I will post more about it after I listen to it tomorrow but I'm very excited. Relaxing is something I definitely need more help with. So I've uploaded it to my iPod already and will be listening to it starting tomorrow and then again during my acupuncture appointment on Monday. Serenity now!

Six months TTC

This week is officially six months since we started TTC. It feels like so much longer than six months. And when I think of how I committed to doing this for a whole year before getting help I wonder where my head was. I want to be pregnant RIGHT NOW. But I just have to calm myself down, reread my list of reasons for waiting for infertility treatment, and get grounded again. I realize that six months is not long that long in TTC Land. I know it takes some years and I hope I don't sound insensitive. I just needed to vent though.

When I see myself in a full-length mirror I start feeling disgusted and wonder how I can even think this body could possibly get pregnant? I'm no longer overweight; I'm obese. It hurts to acknowledge that but I have to. I have to get real and realize that eating sugar and "bad" carbs are doing me a huge disservice. I need to put them down, get healthy, and only then will I have a chance to conceive. I'm full of hatred for my body now. I need to turn this emotion into something positive - and do something about this! Right away my mind is going to, "But it's Thanksgiving next week, I might as well wait." Ugh.

Friend's miscarriage

Once again, there is not a whole lot going on right now with me. My husband is still out of work, I'm still not pregnant, etc. Life feels sort of monotonous right now, as if I'm a hamster on a wheel.

I'm on cycle day 12 of my fifth cycle charting. So far, I have absolutely nothing to report.

I had my eighth acupuncture appointment on Saturday and I'm at the point now where I don't think I can afford biweekly appointments anymore. I'm sorry I didn't speak up and say something. Instead I just made the appointment (for 16 days, not 14) and now am plotting how to reschedule it for another two weeks. When I first started seeing her she told me I'd need to come pretty close together for the first 6-8 sessions (as acupuncture has a cumulative effect). After about four I started getting antsy as it was getting expensive that soon. So I discussed it with her and she said she'd really like me to come another few sessions in quick succession and then we'd discuss spreading them apart more. I realize I am going to be the one who has to speak up. After all she is not going to discourage me from coming every two weeks. That is money in her pocket. So I will need to speak up and say that I cannot continue to afford these treatments, as much as I wish I could. I wonder if going once a month would have much benefit. Ahh, why do I have to be such a people pleaser?

One of my two pregnant friends just miscarried though, and my heart is breaking for her. I was really rooting for her and her little bean but he/she did not stick. I feel so bad for my friend though and I hope she can conceive again soon. It took her awhile to conceive this one so my thoughts are definitely with her. I can't help but wonder if I'm not getting pregnant yet because someone out there knows I couldn't handle something like this right now. Who knows.