Surgery tomorrow!

So my surgery will be in the morning and after that I can finally resume my herbs. I cannot wait. I feel a bit panicky without them. It's my cycle day 20 and no ovulation yet. That's not unusual. Even on the herbs I did not ovulate until closer to cycle day 30. I'm not nervous about my surgery but I'm hoping it goes well and I'm not in a lot of pain afterwards. (I live in a dreamworld.)

I did get my HSG results the day after I called. The nurse at my RE's office told me everything was "wunderbar." It's a good thing I'm German or I might not have known what she meant. (Ha ha.) So it's nice to know that's not the issue. Now my husband still has to get his semen analysis. Fun fun!

So life is just dealing us a bunch of crap right now. Six days ago someone either pulled a nice hit-and-run on my car or vandalized it but either way I was left with a damaged driver's side rear door on my baby (car). The good news is since the police officer feels it was probably vandalism it falls under my comprehensive coverage which has a $250 deductible as opposed to a $500 deductible for collision.

And on Thursday my husband abruptly lost his job. We went through this less than two years ago as well. So far I'm handling it much better than last time. I did not cry or despair. But it's still early (four days later). The silver lining is that he can go get his semen analysis any day now! We were having issues scheduling it for a time he could be home. Now it won't be an issue. :(

We haven't had a real heart-to-heart yet as to whether or not we are going to continue TTC during his unemployment, since it would feel selfish for me to bring that up right now, but he hasn't acted any differently about it. He still talks as if it's happening. I'd hate to give up because of that, especially since the odds are stacked against us. But I don't want him to have anything else stressing him out. He certainly is not as excited about or eager as I am to have a child. It is definitely different for men and women.

I can't even tell you how many books I've read regarding conception and infertility since we started this journey. I went to the library today and picked up a copy of The Infertility Cure by Dr. Randine Lewis. I'm hooked already! Of course, this is the stuff I'm into. I had my second acupuncture appointment on Friday. I'm going to be having weekly appointments for at least 4-8 weeks and then we'll discuss how many I can cut back to. It is certainly not inexpensive but I really feel that that the Eastern ways have a lot to offer so that is what I'm working on now. I really like acupuncture. Some of the needles give me a bit of a jolt, others feel like a light touch on the skin, and others I don't feel at all. I know it's not the needle actually hurting since it is so fine (as fine as a human hair) and so flexible and inserted so slightly. It all has to do with the Qi (chee) in my body.

My doctor suggested Clomid but I wanted to try herbs and acupuncture first. I'm not against Clomid but I certainly don't want it to be my first line of defense. There are too many side effects for me to take it that lightly. I really like my RE but I don't like how he just so quickly suggested "bariatric surgery and Clomid" as the answer to my problems. I know too many people that have had bariatric surgery and regained their weight. And Clomid has its place I'm sure but I have to respect the side effects.

I went for a nice walk today with a friend. We walked about 35 minutes and ended with a killer hill. I had a short cool down before I arrived at home. Today was also my fifth day without sugar. Yay me! The sugar had to go. I am addicted to it and I won't lose weight (and therefore get into a healthy baby-making body) as long as I'm eating it. So five days down. Whew. It gets easier the longer I abstain. These first few weeks (this is not the first time I've done this) are not easy. The cravings are there often.

Quick update

I figured I'd update my blog with an update to say that I've been quiet since not much is going on.

I am having a minor surgery (not TTC or GYN related) on the 31st so I had to go off my herbal remedies as well as my prenatal vitamin for 2 weeks prior. So that was the past week and the coming week and after the surgery I can resume.

I'm feeling a tad anxious not to be "on" anything because I don't really trust my body to go and try to ovulate on its own. But on the other hand it's good to have a forced break to see if my body IS capable. I have wondered since I started on the herbs (since I started herbs and charting at the same time) if I was capable but I really didn't want to waste any more time. We had already been married for 19 months by that time and I was ready to go full-force ahead to getting myself to be a mommy!

So I'm continuing to chart just so I can make sure ovulation doesn't occur before the surgery but I'm not really doing much else related to TTC. I'm still reading/researching like a fiend. (Knowledge is power right? And at my last visit with my RE back in June he mentioned how impressed he was with how "organized" I was. I had a list of questions and I asked him every one.)

I did call the RE's office today to get the official results of my HSG. :( But no one returned my call.

The crazed panic I've felt for much of the past three months has subsided and has me feeling fairly peaceful for the past week or two. I'm glad. I was starting to feel crazy. And there are BABIES everywhere. I'm glad I can just feel happy for them and not full of jealousy. Four of my first cousins had babies this year and one of my husband's first cousins is having a baby very soon. And that's just first cousins. I have no idea how many more distant relatives have had or are having babies this year. THANK GOD I don't feel any intense jealousy. That would be yucky.

Baby Morph Site

I just had to share. I uploaded pictures of my husband and me to this baby morphing site and got this little gal. She looks nothing like me at all except for maybe the hair (but mine is much lighter) and I don't even know if she looks like my husband. But she's kind of cute.

Baby C Fund

My hubby and I moved this past January into a much smaller home. We went from a single, 3-bedroom rancher to a 2-bedroom, 2-story, narrow and short townhouse. We love it but it is definitely much smaller (and go figure, we are paying almost $300 more in rent per month).

Craigslist has become my new friend. In the past year we've made several hundred dollars selling extra or useless stuff that we no longer need. My husband and I both had fully furnished apartments before we got married so we had lots of duplicates. Our brothers both got their own places right around when we moved in together so we gave some stuff to them but still had lots of extra stuff. For the first few months we were spending the money we made on other things.

But then I started a fund called the Baby C fund in ING Direct and anytime we sell anything on Craigslist I put the money in there. And anytime I get extra cash that hasn't been counted on, that goes in too. For instance, my company merged and I have stock and everyone got a nice dividend. I figured that was not money I was counting on for anything else, so in it went.

Whatever we can't sell we drop off at a local thrift store whose sales go right back into the community. So it's a win-win! Our house isn't cluttered and we're helping out a charity.

I also use a cash-only system and at the end of a pay period, I do a "clean sweep." Whatever is left in my cash envelopes gets swept out and deposited into the Baby C Fund.

And since my cash envelopes don't have room for coins I tend to just collect coins in my pocket all day and each night I dump them in a coin jar. I've been doing the cash system for not quite 6 months and that coin jar is quite full. Once it's full I'll take its contents to the credit union and deposit that into my account which will get transferred to ING as well.

I just checked the account today and in just a month's time our baby has over $300 already. When I get pregnant I plan to use this money on stuff like a crib and changing table/dresser, etc. I already have my bedding set picked out too (although that is subject to change) and cannot wait to get a positive test so I can start shopping! Since I'm not even pregnant yet I have at least nine more months to save.

I love that I'll be able to have guilt-free shopping sprees because this money is totally not allocated towards anything else. It's been a great way to save without feeling the pinch. :)

HSG is over!

I had my HSG today. In some ways it was worse than I thought. In other ways it wasn't as bad.

I left work at 1:30 and needed to be at the hospital by 2:15. I arrived shortly before 2:00 but it was a long walk from the parking garage to the hospital and I had no clue where I was going. When I got there I went to registration and the woman couldn't find my information. I almost went into a panic because at this point it was almost 2:15 and I wasn't going to be done in time. I had to wait and then I went back and some woman had to register me. They couldn't find me anywhere. Well, I think what happened is that I booked the appointment with my doctor but I was supposed to call the hospital too. When I called the hospital I told them I needed an HSG and my husband needed an SA and I guess they just transferred me right to the department for SAs. So I never actually registered with the hospital. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was so nervous. I thought, "Oh, no, I even scheduled time off from work and now it's going to be canceled and I'm going to have to wait another 6 weeks or more until I can come again." But it all worked out. I played dumb and batted my eyelashes and was able to be seen by the doctor. Whew. Oh, yeah, I'm joking about the batting eyelashes part but very serious about playing dumb. Thank God it worked out. I was stressing big-time and feeling very stupid!

Two other women and I were in the waiting room and all got called back together. We all were taken into three changing rooms in a row and I was #3 - third to get taken into a room, third to have my HSG done. They each changed into wrap-around gowns but they didn't have any for me so I wore two gowns, one like a robe with the opening in the front, and the other on top of it with the opening in the back. It was awkward and warm but at least I didn't feel (too) exposed. We could leave all our clothes on including shoes except for underwear and pants or a skirt, whatever you were wearing.

Each woman that came out of the X-ray room looked OK so I figured it wouldn't be too bad. It was nerve-wracking though, sitting there waiting for them to be done and trying to hear what was going on and read their expressions as they came out. They didn't look traumatized though so that was a calming thing.

So basically I laid on a table covered in pads (sort of in Pap smear position but not as bad) and they inserted the cold speculum and then the doctor told me they were inserting a catheter which caused some cramping. Then there were some bad burning cramps and I could feel myself making little moans because of the pain and then it was not so bad. They asked me to scoot up the table and the radiologist came in and lowered the X-ray over me and the doctor told me I could watch if I wanted. He said that I'd see my uterus as a triangle and then some squiggly things that would be my Fallopian tubes. He said he'd have a report in a few days and I could call for results.

As soon as the radiologist lowered the X-ray machine, I saw my uterus light up on the screen and then I saw my tubes. My doctor said, "Everything looks normal. You're perfect." And that was it! I got up, went back into the other room to get changed and felt some strange feeling between my legs. When I got into the changing room I pulled this tube out that looked like a somewhat bloody straw. I am not quite sure what that was. Then I had to put in a pad and when I started walking I could feel I guess what was the remains of the dye squirting out. It was a very strange sensation, similar to but different from menstruation.

I stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home. I thought a Blizzard would make me feel better. I guess temporarily it served its purpose. ;) Now I'm just feeling full and tired and lazy.

I guess everything is OK then. I'm not sure what the report will show - maybe just more detail? I guess I'm glad I had it done. I'm $180 poorer but this is just the beginning!

DCI, HSG, and More

It's been a few days since I've posted. Let's see...what's going on?

For one I got my newest supplement in the mail today. I'm so excited. I first read about it in Toni Weschler's book and then I researched and found a lot of positive stuff. I ordered a supplement called d-chiro-inositol, or DCI, for short. I am taking this without my ND's recommendation but she doesn't feel I need it and I am just listening to my gut which keeps telling me to just try it! So I am, starting either tonight or tomorrow. I was excited about the service from Chiral Balance. I just ordered it on Thursday and it made it to me today (Monday) very quickly with the minimum shipping they offer.

I am also scheduled for an HSG on Wednesday (less than 2 days from now). I was able to get the RE's staff to straighten this out. They are going to me just do the HSG for now, which is what I really wanted. I'm eager to get it over with but nervous about the procedure and the results. I am going into this assuming my tubes are clear and that the only hold-up is my PCOS (as if that is some small deal). My husband is going to get a sperm analysis too, which should be interesting.

I feel like I've spent the last three months in a daze. I've been obsessed with TTC and my work was starting to suffer. I'm thankful that seemed to break last week and I've had quite a few productive days at work. I do realize that life goes on each month whether I'm pregnant or not and that I need to keep living and not get bogged down in this TTC journey/nightmare. I hope I can keep this attitude and realization up for the rest of this cycle at least.

I did have an itty-bitty meltdown on Saturday night while looking at pictures of someone's particularly adorable baby on that social networking site I won't mention by name. My poor husband doesn't know what to do with me when I get like this. I am not jealous of anyone else's babies but I can't help but wonder why I can't have one too.

And I will also be experiencing acupuncture this week for the first time. I rescheduled my appointment (originally for Wednesday) due to the HSG now being on Wednesday (which is the only day my local hospital does the HSGs). So my appointment is now set for Saturday afternoon. I'm trying so many new things at once that if I do get pregnant I won't know which supplement or treatment should get the credit. ;) I am too impatient to just add one thing each cycle. My first cycle I was on Ovablend, then my second cycle I added Vitex and cinnamon with chromium (good for insulin resistance). Now I just started doing abdominal massage at the very end of cycle 2/beginning of cycle 3 and also in cycle 3 I'm adding DCI and acupuncture. I read some studies about spearmint tea and hirsutism and bought it and am thinking about starting that too. I am cramming a lot of stuff in!

Anyone else have an experience where they sort of just forgot to keep working and then bounced back out of it? How do you stay focused on non-TTC things when that is the #1 thing going on in your life?

Well, I'm not getting an April 2011 EDD!

I experienced some frustrations today and I just need to get them out.

First it is CD 1 again. But really I'm not that bothered by that. Last cycle was such a mess anyway. I don't feel I O'ed but FF is saying I did. So I'm kind of glad it's over. Time for a fresh start! And maybe a May 2011 EDD?? I can hope!

My main frustration is coming from the fact that I feel that I am insulin-resistant (IR) but I've not been treated for it. I really wanted to try DCI but I'm seeing a naturopath and did not want to do anything to interfere with what she has me on and she does not agree that I definitely have it. I called my RE's office and they told me they never tested me for it. (Why the heck not??) And I called my PCP and was told that I was tested for it and I do not have it or I just barely have it. She said something about the threshold being 100 and I'm at 101 so I'm just barely over the line. But from everything I'm reading in my research, that test (a fasting blood test) is not very accurate. I mentioned to her that I have AN and she said that it's not necessarily from IR but then followed up by asking if I'm on Metformin. And I'm not. And I don't remember why RE wouldn't give me Metformin.

I REALLY feel that the IR (that apparently only I think I have) is the hold-up here. It has me so stressed out that I can no longer relax. I am obsessed.

In the meanwhile I found another thing to stress me out, a copy of a progress note from my RE saying that I should get an HSG in 3-6 months and DH should get an SA. But when I called to schedule it, the nurse wanted me to come in this Friday for blood work and she mentioned something about Clomid. No! No Clomid! At least not yet! I know, I'm being stubborn. I'm just not ready to go there yet. So I spent the afternoon feeling sad and frustrated. I told her I did not want Clomid, I was only calling to schedule an HSG. Somewhere along the way someone's wires got crossed. Now I'm wondering if RE wants me to go on Clomid and 3-6 months after that have an HSG. I'm no doctor but that doesn't make sense to me. Before putting me on a drug that has side effects like that, shouldn't he make sure everything else is in working order first? Who knows. I have lots of questions and few answers though. I can't wait for tomorrow to get an answer. I'm so stressed.

Meanwhile, my countdown to my first acupuncture appointment is in SEVEN DAYS. Woo-hoo!

HSG

I'm debating whether or not to get an HSG and if so, when. I was just reading over some of the paperwork from my RE from May and it said to come back in 3-6 months for an HSG for me and SA for DH. I originally figured there was no way I'd be ready in six months, let alone three, but it's crazy how impatient I've become. I was determined to do this without the help of doctors and not even three months in, I'm already starting to think about it. I have to see if it's covered by insurance or not, how much the copay or the procedure is, etc. Part of my sudden interest in this procedure is asking a few questions about it on a message board and at first I was defending and explaining my decision to wait a year and then the next thing I knew, it was my latest obsession!

I am going back to see my naturopath in 2 days though and I have an acupuncture treatment lined up for next week so I still am trying without meds and this makes me think I should wait until after our October vacation and probably until after Thanksgiving to do this. (And then if I wait that long, why not just wait until the new year when our financial situation might allow us to move forward more?)

I really have no idea what to expect from this. I'm not sure I'm ready!

In other news, I really have a POAS addiction. My cycle is really wacky right now. I haven't O'ed yet and I'm on CD 39. My chart is saying I O'ed but I don't agree with it. So because it was saying I was 9 DPO I decided to pee on an HPT and at the same time I feel like I haven't O'ed yet so I decided to pee on an OPK. Serious issues, you know! And both were BFNs. :(

Jenny Renny Reading

I did this just for the fun of it.

"Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of September from a cycle that begins in August. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of May 2011 - specific reference to the 17th and 19th."

Uh-oh. Cheri is showing 2 girls, Jenny is showing a boy! Who will be right?

All is Quiet

I haven't posted too much because honestly, not much is happening. I'm having what may be an anovulatory cycle although my "cysters" on the message boards are telling me that my body may have tried and failed to ovulate and may try again one or more times. So really I'm just trying to keep my mind occupied on other things. The weekend and the past few days were very tense for me and today was the first day I didn't wake up thinking, "Did my temp rise?" I know now that it may not for awhile, whereas up until yesterday I kept thinking the temp rise was imminent. So I went for a walk last night, studied for my exam, BDed :), and tried to relax last night. Today I feel much more relaxed and I actually got some work done. I did not use an OPK and I do not plan on using one today. Honestly, they are just making me crazy. I'm going to keep taking my temperature each morning and charting any CM I see but other than that, I've got to take a step back.

Now I'm going to get a massage...the ultimate stress-reducer. Ahhh. My appointment is in 45 minutes and I cannot wait. I heard about some Mayan abdominal massage that is supposed to be helpful for infertility and for ovarian cysts. I'm going to ask my massage therapist what she knows about it. I trust her a lot. She is really very knowledgeable.

Update on Fertile-Focus

My Fertile-Focus saliva microscope surprised me by showing something different today! Unfortunately, I have no clue what it was. It was totally covered by crystals. It did not match the ferning picture that came in the instructions. To clarify, there were no lines that looked like ferns. It was more rounded than that. For lack of something better I called it "transitional" in my chart. I really did not know.

Today's OPK was negative. Temperature was higher today than it's been in awhile but not higher than it's been all cycle. I'm eager to see tomorrow's temperature. If last cycle repeats itself, my temp should shoot up tomorrow.