Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to anyone who might be reading this! I love Christmas. I am like a little kid at this time of year, full of excitement. I'm sitting here in my living room, glancing at our gorgeous tree, the most beautiful tree I've ever had. We drove about 20-30 minutes up the road, way out into the country, and got it from a tree farm. It was a freezing cold day so I did not take the time to look at too many trees. We saw one we liked and I said, "Let's get it." It was way more money than I'd ever imagined spending on a tree but I'm so glad we did it. I've gotten three weeks of enjoyment out of it already and we hope to keep it up another week or two.

We spent last night with my husband's family, the Italian side, and went to his aunt's for the traditional "seven fishes" Christmas Eve dinner. There may have been more than seven "fishes." There was shrimp cocktail, breaded shrimp, calamari, crab cakes, baccala, and I cannot remember what else. Usually there are also flounder and lobster but his aunt forgot to take the flounder out of the freezer and she did not buy lobster this year. In addition to all the seafood, there was salad, potato salad, mozzarella, another kind of cheese, chicken cutlet (for my cousins who don't like seafood), macaroni and cheese (again, for the little cousins who don't like seafood), and I can't remember what else, but I can't forget the homemade wine (hubby had several glasses of that!). Then for dessert, there are Italian cookies, panettone, panforte, espresso, (American) coffee, and more alcohol, grappa, limoncello, sambuca, etc. We had a great time. I love my husband's extended family. His father passed away 14, almost 15, years ago, and these are his relatives. My husband's mother and brother did not come to Christmas Eve.

Today we are headed to my parents' house where we'll get to be with most of my siblings and my adorable nephews and niece. We are bringing my 8-year-old nephew and 6-year-old niece back to our house at the end of the day and they'll be staying overnight with us for two nights. I'm so excited. I love these kids. We might get snow tonight and tomorrow so if so we'll just hang out and watch movies but if not, we have a fun-filled day planned for tomorrow. So we're just playing it by ear.

I'm so glad that I'm able to stay excited and happy during this time even when my heart is aching for a baby. I truly hope this is my last Christmas where I'm not a mom or a mom-to-be. I really hope the treatments work for us next year. It's going to be so difficult with BOTH of our best friends having babies next year.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!

A failure & a plan.

You know that exam I was talking about last week? Well, I did not pass! I am not shocked - but it still hurt. I was always the girl who passed everything. Oh, well, combine stress and uninteresting material and the world's worst procrastinator (me) and that was the result!

My husband and I talked before bed last night and we're going to move ahead with a "trial run" of Clomid (and probably Pre-seed and Robitussin as well) as soon as my period shows up and I can get into the doctor. I woke up excited after my awful evening last night and ready for the next step. I say a trial run because I do not plan to do Clomid February through April even if I'm not successful in January. I will resume in May if need be. (And yes, I'm being realistic and do not have any high expectations that I'll get my BFP on the first round. I'm curious to see if I ovulate though and if I got a BFP, I'd be so excited.)

So that's all for now. I must get a good night's sleep tonight. I'm very tired. Later, friends.

Bombarded with new baby news & pregnancy news!

The Provera is going well so far. The first night I swear it made me feel really hot, like hot flashes. But that may have been a coincidence. Every night since then has been fine. I take it right before bed. I took it five nights so far. Tonight will be the sixth and Christmas Day will be my last.

My sister had three friends, yes, three friends, who have babies three days in a row, the 16th to the 18th. Wow. My best friend is pregnant, my other good friend was pregnant but miscarried last month, and now my husband's best friend's wife is pregnant. She starts her second trimester this week and they just called tonight to tell us. I'm very excited for them...and to be honest a little sad for me. They were trying for awhile and had even done fertility treatments (IUI and IVF) all to no avail. This was a surprise BFP for them. It gives me hope but always leaves me feeling left behind and left out. Poor hubby says to me after he hangs up with his friend, "Are you happy for them or are you going to cry?" Through tears I say, "I'm happy for them." Wow, what mixed emotions.

And I promise the above statements have nothing to do with what I'm going to say next. I've been thinking it for most of last week and just haven't blogged about it yet. But once AF starts after this Provera regimen I've been really thinking about giving Clomid (yes, big bad Clomid I've been so afraid to try) a "trial run." I know, I have all my good reasons for waiting til May but I guess I just want to do something right now. My plan for the moment is to do just one month and if not pregnant, I'll wait til May to resume. I don't think this plan makes any sense. And I'm not sure how easy it'll be to take Clomid one month and then just go back to nothing for a few. Am I crazy? Do you girls think I should start the Clomid in January (or whenever a new cycle begins for me)?

Thanks for your opinions!

Provera

So I went in for my bloodwork today and they called to say my hCG was 0 (no kidding) and my estrogen was 62.7 (no clue what the means). They did not say progesterone. So they are calling in a prescription for Provera which I can start and they said I can expect my period in 1-2 weeks. I'm so dreading taking this. But what other choice do I have?

I also took my exam today and it was horrible. I was not at all prepared. It could take up to a month to get my grade but in the past I've gotten my grades in as little as 2-3 days so it should be sooner than a month.

Bloodwork & maybe Provera, exams and regrets.

I took off from work today to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow for work. I also have off tomorrow, but luckily I don't have to count that as a vacation day as the company gives us the entire day off to take the test, which could take up to three hours. I am working on a designation and there are eight exams total. If I pass tomorrow I'll be halfway done. I'm not feeling very confident as I was a horrible procrastinator and although I allotted myself three months to study I really didn't study much until the past week. I'm feeling full of regret about that now.

While I was sitting on the couch trying to study this morning, I decided to call my RE/doctor's office. Since I started charting my cycles have been 36-42 days and this one is now on day 47 and I never even ovulated and I feel no cramps or any other signs my period is on its way. So I called there and told the receptionist and a nurse called me back within the hour and asked me to come in for bloodwork so they could make sure I wasn't pregnant (ha ha, what a waste of time, but I know they have to do that) and see where I am in my cycle. So I'm going to go over there in the morning, get the bloodwork, come home and review my books a bit more, and then head over to my test which is scheduled for 12:30. This is probably the worst idea I had all year. Am I really going to be able to concentrate on my exam when I'm going to be thinking about having to take Provera? They did not say for sure what they'd do for me but I am guessing that is what it will be. I've never had to take this before and I was really going to wait until 60 days but I'm so impulsive I just decided to do something about it today while I was off. I think part of my reason for calling today is that I hope I can induce AF and get it over with before Christmas, at least the beginning, yucky, crampy part. My nephew (age 8) and my niece (age 6) are coming to stay with us from Christmas night until the Monday or Tuesday after. (My sister and her family live about two hours away so I don't get too many opportunities to have my niece and nephew over. I am lucky I get to see them every 6 weeks or so but it's usually at her house and I have only had them overnight once before.) I want to be able to feel good while they're here so we can have a great time and have this all behind me. Although as I'm writing this I'm realizing I have no clue how long it takes to get AF once it's induced. I'll have to make sure I'm not actually scheduling AF to come on Christmas or while the kids are here!

Also each day I let this go is one more day I don't have a chance to start a new cycle. I really have almost completely given up on the thought of conception happening in my screwed up body without treatment. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It just means I've stopped obsessing (at least for the meantime) and I can wait til May and Clomid or Femara and possible IUI time to start obsessing again. And if I somehow get "knocked up" in the meanwhile, then that's great. It's funny now because my husband is getting more concerned as I get less obsessed. He talks about it a lot and today asked me if I could ask the doctor what my chances were on Clomid alone (he really doesn't want to do the IUI!) and then tonight I caught him online looking up Clomid. It was too funny. I mean, you have to understand that my husband does not have a job right now and is petrified of the responsibility of having to support a child and for the longest time I thought he was going along with this just for me. But now I think he's getting anxious and eager and excited too.

While I was sitting here on the couch today, my mind also started wandering back to this past May when I was originally going to start fertility treatment before I decided to give naturopathy and charting a chance first. I did feel sad thinking that perhaps I could be pregnant right now and looking forward to next year being the year we become parents, had I stayed with Plan A. But I reminded myself that everything happens for a reason and that there was a reason the thought came into my head to wait. That is not like me. I'm not a patient person. So I just have to trust that waiting was the right thing and came from somewhere outside myself. I know our second year of marriage was way better than the first and the third is now going better than the second (we're only two months in but still...). So maybe it was a chance to strengthen our bond. I also think how if I were pregnant in October we wouldn't have been able to enjoy Walt Disney World in October or how my husband maybe wasn't quite ready yet in May and he seems much more ready now. Whatever the reason I just have to trust that there was a reason and it will all work out.

All right, I must go back to hit the books again. I'm the world's worst procrastinator.

I think I'm going to be bald soon.

My office had its holiday party tonight and I decided to straighten my hair for the occasion. Generally my hair has a good bit of natural curl to it and I just wear it curly. It's easier and it helps make it look thicker. But every once in awhile I want it to be straight so today I used a blow dryer to make it straight and then I used the flat iron on it and I was shocked it actually stayed straight all day. But my heart is breaking because I swear I can see bald spots on my scalp. My hair has been falling out really badly lately. I was using Rogaine but decided to give that up because of TTC but I'm getting desperate. I highly doubt it's safe to use while TTC. I used to have pretty good luck with a line of hair care products called Nioxin but lately that doesn't even seem to be helping. I'm becoming distraught. When I was a young girl and teenager I never, ever thought I'd have a problem with thinning hair on the top of my scalp. I had such thick (long) hair it would actually give me headaches. Now I'm to the point where I can see bald spots. It makes me so sad. I did ask my doc what I could do and all he could suggest was find a different way to comb my hair! I need some better answers than that so I'm going to do some research. I keep trying to console myself and think I can wear a wig if it gets too bad but that's really not much consolation!

In other news I think part of me has given up on TTC without fertility drugs. I've stopped taking almost all my supplements, stopped checking secondary fertility signs (CM & CP), stopped POAS (OPKs), etc. I thought I'd keep temping but I haven't even taken my temp the past few days. I guess I don't see the point as I'm on day 45 or whatever of this cycle and I know I'm not going to ovulate now. I'm to the point where I need to call my doctor and get Provera or whatever he recommends to bring this cycle to an end. I'm debating whether to call Monday or wait til after Christmas. I know I don't want it to go much more than 60 days. I just don't really have time right now to worry about that. I'm taking an exam on Tuesday and need to really study tomorrow and Monday and concentrate on that. It's always something!

So as far as my baby dreams, I have not given up on being a mom. I know compared to others I haven't been trying that long but it's really frustrating to chart seven months and only ovulate twice (bad ovulations at that on day 31)! So my husband and I have been really talking about our next steps. IUI or not IUI? If we don't do it right away, how many cycles do we want to try with meds only before moving on to IUI? Right now we're talking trying two without IUI (just Clomid or Femara) and then moving on from there if need be. We'll see. So that's all for tonight.

Words failed me.

So on Sunday my husband and I went to visit my cousin and his wife. They have 16-year-old twins and my cousin himself is a twin. My uncle and his wife, my aunt, also live with them. We're sitting around the table and my aunt says, "So are you two having any kids?" (Never mind she asked me this question last year around the holidays and I told her then that we were seeing what happened.) I answer this time, "We want them," and she makes a face and says, "You're crazy." Then my husband says, "Well, I really want to have a job first." And I'm thinking, "Wait, he does know we're trying right?" I mean, I really couldn't tell if he was just saying anything to throw her off, or if he really thinks we're waiting til he has a job. So then my aunt tells me how when she found out she was having twins she was so upset, and then when she found out she was pregnant not long after (with her daughter) she would have crossed the line if there was a line back then to cross. She said that's how upset she was that she was pregnant. Her son (one of the twins) basically said if you play, you pay, and he laughed about it. I was pretty stunned though. I couldn't say anything. I wanted to say, "It's funny how easy it is for some," but I really couldn't speak. Here she is alluding to the fact that she would have gotten an abortion if she could have right in front of one of her children. It was very odd to me. Once again I'm struck by how crazy the world is, how wildly unfair that there is such a thing as unwanted children for some and how others like me are aching for a baby and struggling to conceive. Crazy. But it's late, and I'm tired, and that's all I have for now but needed to share while it was on my mind.